Follow your dreams the universe is listening

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b8Kg119Bm_YTime passes and I life goes on only it never ends there is always more to add so what’s been happening in the last 3 years you may ask?

Jake moved back home after his break up, finished his final stages of surgery and then started working which involved a move towards London.

Whilst his life continued I knew he wasn’t completely happy so made every effort to keep in contact with regular drives down. Ten months later he was considering another move as his landlord was increasing his rent which was eating up half of his salary, after a weekend flat hunting and him spiraling into a melt down I suggested he moved back home.

So the next chapter began. His work meant he could spend long periods at home which made him very isolated or weeks away in a hotel. I continued to support and nurture him as I felt he had missed out on this during his ‘wilderness ‘ years.

His mental health concerned me but thankfully he sort help and began antidepressants along with a referral for a diagnosis.

As the weeks passed I could see his mood lifting, he finally passed his driving test and then made the decision to return to university to study for his masters. But the usual Jake then began to put in the what if and what about questions, let’s be honest we can all talk ourselves out of doing something we don’t know the outcome for, taking that step into the unknown makes us vulnerable but without this how can we fulfill our dreams? I asked him to trust in his choice as he admitted if he continued in his work it would wear him down and destroy him. I know I’m one of life’s optimists but I asked him to trust in the universe as once you put a plan in action magically things begin to happen, his one concern was money and although he had saved to pay his fees it was still going to be tight on his finances. I reassured him he would have a home and food and life is to be enjoyed so to follow his dreams.

So he did…

August 2019 he is currently in Japan. Yes he followed his dream to study Japanese and has finished his first year of his masters and August has been spent attending university in Kyoto.  My heart literally explodes with pride when I think of what he has achieved. I think back to the 8 year old Jess that told me one day she was going to live and work in Japan, Jess the teenager who refused to use a knife and fork opting for chopsticks and blaring out Japanese music from her bedroom. The Jess who loved anime, cosplay and anything Japanese became the Jake who still had a passion for Japan, that still held that dream deep with in his heart, that all he had been through he was brave and strong enough to take that step into the unknown.

As I had reassured him the universe stepped up and money arrived, he found a part time job which he hated but it once again showed him where he didn’t want to be in life, his dad paid for his flight to Japan, the money pot he had been saving his Christmas & birthday money and one I kept topping up paid for his hotel and living costs, he then had a tax return and landed 3 weeks full time work office based, which thank the universe appeared 2 days after he left the hated job!

So he’s been there 2 weeks and has another 3 to go, he seems to be enjoying it and has found the language easier being within the culture.

I’m astounded that 10 months since beginning his masters he is now fluent in Japanese and continues to seek out his dreams.

I know I will always worry about him but I guess that comes with the territory of being a mother, why would you ever not care?

It’s been 7 years since my journey began, 7 years that have made me the person I am today, I’ve been battered along the way and at times wondered how I coped but I did, I always will. I am a strong woman who will never allow problems to overcome me, I trust that the universe has plans and if you take time to actually listen there are always plenty of signs for you.

You just need to be vulnerable to progress.

A little broken- aren’t we all ?

I’ve realised everyone is broken in some way. How can you survive life and not be ? You think you’re mended then wham it hits you a memory, right in the eye where it radiates into your brain. You remember how you felt as it reaches your heart, the pain still shocks you and your eyes fill with tears that slowly trickle down your cheeks. With each teardrop the memories once again recede, as they touch your lips, their salty taste reminding you of what you’ve been through and once agin you feel your body absorb them into your heart. Mostly I’m ok with life, I’m happy my son has reached a point whereby surgery is behind him and he can begin to try and live his life and not just exist it. I’m grateful he is alive but it doesn’t stop the odd memory that can be triggered by something so small.

Yesterday a memory was triggered but at the time actually didn’t realise until early this morning.

A client of mine who I’ve know for 15 years and I consider a friend confided in me her 19 year old daughter was 4/5 months pregnant, no big deal really in today society but she’s been through a tough 5 years with a divorce from her domineering husband that has left her exhausted. Recently she had met a man from a dating site, she admitted he wasn’t her ‘type’ but had found her soul mate, its a wonderful heart lifting story and I’m so pleased for her, proving people come into your life when you most need them. During the last few years her daughter has fought depression and both of them have been pushed to the limit but I noticed yesterday a bonding between them and at the time didn’t know of the baby. She’s practical about it but said ‘ it’s my grandchild there is no choice’ exactly I replied the baby will be loved what ever happens and that’s all that matters.

So this morning I awoke and of course this was my first thought and then I remembered Jake will never be able to have children, those hopes I once had of Jess becoming a mother and helping her on that journey once again resonated through my head, this was never going to happen and once again it broke my heart. For myself as a grandparent, Jess as a mother and Jake as a father. I thought I had dealt with it and I guess it still sits there nestled with in the hole in my heart.

I have to accept these memories will always be with me and I don’t know what the future may hold for Jake and a future partner but once again it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

Small steps lead to change 

Tonight I feel pretty proud of myself. It may have been just a tiny step for some but for me it was huge. 

I’m currently on holiday in Mexico and was enjoying an evening drink in the lobby bar when my attention was drawn to the table next to me. The issue of transgender was being discussed. The family I think were mother, father, son and daughter in law. Daughter in law was very pro transgender rights and was discussing the topic with the family. 

The usual jokes and laughs were made and the oh it must be a mental issue, DIL was very firm in her knowledge trying to explain how it was for a transgender person and their rights for treatment in the USA. Not once did she falter on her beliefs whilst her so called family mocked and argued with her. 

I listened intently and realised this was an opportunity I too needed to stand up for those rights as it’s the little things that actually get the momentum flowing on issues like this. 

So as we left the bar I walked over to the girl and thanked her for her knowledge and understanding on the issues and said not everyone could understand, thanked her again and walked away. I didn’t need to explain myself I just needed her to know she wasn’t the only person standing up for the rights of the transgender community. 

I’m hoping that small action will have larger ones in others. I knew I couldn’t remain silent, I’m not one for confrontation but sometimes it’s a necessity. 

Shall steps are all we need to take in life to change the future. 

Breathing under water 

Yes 2016 was the year I learnt to breath under water.It was a year many people hated, it almost was portrayed as a cursed year.
For me It started with my brother in ICU, I seriously didn’t think he would still be here to tell the tale but thankfully he is and I know he’s had a tough year but hopefully he too has learnt he can also breath under water.

It was the year Jake returned home for half of it due to his relationship break up and final stages of surgery. In may when he returned he looked broken but with the care, love and support a family environment can give he started to heal and I know he still has issues to resolve but I think with in time he will get there, I’m just mindful at the moment to contact him a little more often and plan visits, I guess it can be lonely starting life again in a new town and job, we have always been very close and I do miss having him nearby.

For me 2016 was a sabbatical year as far as my running was concerned, I had lost all enthusiasm and I think this had a lot to do with where we had moved to, it’s a lot more isolated and I don’t feel comfortable heading out alone across the fields, also I was tired, even though I had entered another marathon I didn’t have the strength of mind to train for it so I listened to my body and sort out other types of exercise and fell in love with spinning and boot camp style training. The addition of our new puppy has now given me another option as I have trained her to run attached to me, she’s up to 3.5 miles now and as she gets older I will be increasing her distance. It’s pure joy to be out running with her, a different kind of running as I’m not pushing my pace just running to enjoy.

With a new found enthusiasm I have now offered to help train with 2 friends who are both running their first London marathon and our first long run of 8 miles was just pure pleasure, I ran at ease and it felt great to know I still had s good level of fitness, also to support these friends during their training journey excites me, I remember how I felt during my first one and how much I’ve learnt, it’s extremely valuable knowledge and has made me realise I can do anything.

So jake has had stage 2 and 3 of his surgery and finally all is complete. It feels like a long 4 years but equally the time has passed at break neck speed and the Jess of the past now seems another life to me. I still miss her, as in the young Jess who was a happy go lucky child with a thirst for knowledge, the 2 1/2 year old Jess who was bouncing on the couch singing along to the spice girls, pointing out how baby spice had bunches just like her, the endless games of my little pony, along with the obsession with Snow White. I had a beautiful little daughter and I will treasure those memories within my heart forever.

I’m now making new memories with jake and I guess I feel I have a whole chunk of memories that I should have but are missing, the teenage years were tough and I so wish Jake had not experienced it and just had the privilege most of us never consider, to be comfortable in our own gender.

Who knows what this year will bring the only thing I know is I run marathons, I can drive to London, I can do anything, I can breathe under water.

Live life

It’s never dull in our house.
Just as you think life may settle to some sort of normality, crash it hits you gain.
Jake rang me yesterday to say he had a call from the hospital and they could do the final stage of surgery on Monday, so this is it, the end of what seems a long road but the end and the beginning of a new one.
After discussing all the logistics of travel Jake said he would be ok to go himself as he is in london for the weekend anyway, I know he is fiercely independent but I spent a restless night thinking of him going himself, so this morning text him to see if he wanted company to the hospital, of course his reply was only if you want to, which would have been my reply if I was in this position knowing that actually you wanted the company but didn’t want to put on someone. I told him I knew he was capable but sometimes things feel better when you have support, he agreed so I’ve arranged to meet him in London as I will travel there by train and then return once he has checked into the hospital. He’s my child still how ever could I not go?
I can still remember 4 years ago when Jess first told me….

 

As I listen to the words coming from Jess I feel fear, I don’t know what to do, how do you deal with this? Of all the situations I thought I may have to deal with being a parent, this was never in my thoughts. I look at the tears falling down Jess’s face, mine mimic hers, there is nothing else to do but hold her, just as if she is a little child again. It’s ok I say, I promise we will deal with it. How? I had no idea all I knew was my child was in turmoil, my love had no boundaries and I would do anything to make her happy.
I could feel her relax a little, it will be ok I reassure whilst in my head it’s turmoil, after what seems eternity I begin the process.

At that time I honestly didn’t know how we would ever get to this point today, I made a promise I didn’t know I could keep, all I knew was I would do anything to make her happy and here we are the final stage of this long journey that has changed our lives forever.
Never give up on your dreams, they can become your reality. X

Audio

Saying goodbye 

 

I’ve meant to have been here a thousand times but I’ve found a thousand reasons not to be. I’ve had to put all my energy into staying the bright and optimistic person I generally am. Jake returned home and has been extremely stressed about everything. He wisely booked a GP appointment who then referred him to mental health, who unsurprisingly were astounded he had manage to achieve what he has over the previous few years without combusting. My job has been to make sure he is eating regularly, taking what stress I can out of his life and helping him to think ahead.
Whilst it has settled me in some ways to know I’m helping him through this it too takes it toll on me, I’m tired, I find some days it’s hard to be optimistic when I feel life has been so cruel to him. My inner angst has once again taken over, the swirl is constantly reminding me of how my life is but I’m hoping once again it will subside. I guess not being here has stopped me thinking too hard about what’s been occurring, if you don’t think too deeply it can’t hurt you too much.
Some good news now, Jake has gained his degree so is how the proud owner of a 2:1 BA (Hons) in business management. Something we as a family are extremely proud of, he has also secured a new job starting in September, which I hope will bring a happy new stage to his life, a beginning of new friendships.
We have been looking forward to his degree ceremony on the 18 th July, a proud moment when 3 years ago at the start of his course he almost didn’t make it, a day that took tremendous courage from him, until he received a call from the hospital to offer him the next stage of his surgery on the 16 th July, of course this is perfect to fit in with his schedule of leaving his present job, recovering and preparing for his new position, the only downside being he won’t be able to attend his ceremony, but jake said he didn’t work 3 years for a ceremony, how true.
As I mentioned earlier I’ve been struggling lately, just with lots of things but after a chat with a new client who is also a therapist, I guess I’ve been trying too much with everything, some of my worries would be ‘normal’ worries but I have the added twist of a transgender child. I’m worry too much and I must learn to let go of the past, Jess has gone and I have to remember I have a level headed son who has proved he can achieve but sometimes you wish you didn’t need to be strong all the time, that others realised things aren’t always rosy and even the ever optimist doesn’t know what to do. I know I’m tough, I put on a brave face but I’ve noticed recently how some friends just don’t ask, you know, don’t actually say ‘ how are you during through all this?, some I’ve not heard from, I know we are all busy but if I know someone is struggling I try to let them know I’m thinking of them or offer some words of comfort, that hurts and it’s been from some you wouldn’t expect whilst others have been great. Again I’m trying not to dwell too much.
Friday we are heading to London to do a few tourist things before Jake check is into the hospital and I will return home until he needs picking up, life goes on and this will be my final goodbye to Jess, all that was her will be gone and I need to move on.

 

A million years ago…

When you are presented in life with situations that are completely foreign you can either sink or swim, three years ago, myself not particularly a good swimmer but compared to the majority of woman my age, a strong runner, I chose to hold on tight and bloody well run.
I didn’t know what was ahead of me, how I or my family and most of all my child would cope, all I knew was I couldn’t give in no matter what. To stride forward in life and use what ever I had to solve to problems we would all face. It’s been tough I won’t deny it, there were times I felt I didn’t know what to do, times I sat alone sobbing, wondering why this had happened, laughed at myself to think I had it all sorted, as so far in my life it had been rosy, even during the turmoil of a divorce, that hadn’t phased me as much as what I had at the time with Jake. I am an optimist and I guess I will always be the kind of person to take what I have and make the best of it but has it changed me?
I think it has, it’s made me more appreciative of what I do have, my family that have stood alongside Jake, the friends that I had around me but have found a new stronger friendship evolving and some lovely new friendships.
I’ve never judged somebody on what they have or who they are but this has made me more emphatic towards others, to try and offer help and advice where at times I may have stepped away.
Somethings I wish for the carefree life I had, without the swirling angst but then I think of Jake and realise what I yearn for didn’t include a happy Jess, the carefree days of a young Jess were wonderful and I will always treasure those but those teenage years I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but I have to take from that experience and use it to help others, one day it could be a friend that finds themselves in the situation I was or maybe someone I haven’t met yet but what I know is I’m prepared and I will take their hands hold on tight and let them walk with me until eventually they too can run free with hope and happiness in their hearts.

We are all fighting for something

To think 3 years ago I thought my world had ended, to how we all are today is quite amazing , it’s like a parallel life, what it could have been and what it is.
I feel full of mixed emotions about this operation, even though, l knew it was in the pipeline I hadn’t thought too deeply about it, it was just part of the plan.
The more I think of what Jake has endured this week the more my emotions swirl. It’s a major operation, most of us would never have to comprehend what it entails, let alone it be your child. It’s  a recondite situation.
I guess I’m confused, am I mourning, once again, a final piece of Jess or is it the procedure he has had to endure? I’m not sure if I would feel more at ease being at the hospital, seeing for myself he is ok. A friend said it’s probably the finality of the situation that now makes it real, I didn’t feel confused like this after top surgery, that’s when I finally began to understand, for those new to my blog and haven’t read back here it is
https://transgenderandme.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/and-then-i-understood/
Maybe when I visit on Sunday I will once again understand. Matthew has visited and said he’s told him he feel more complete so I guess that’s what I have to cherish, to feel complete is something we all crave, in what ever form.

Just another manic Monday ?

What a day it’s been.

A day filled with all kinds of emotions.
Guilt, because I couldn’t be there, even though I could do nothing but sit and wait.
Fear, of all that could go wrong with such a long operation.
Sadness, for my child having to endure this just to feel themselves.
Grief, yes that old one reared its head again, another farewell to Jess.
Concern, to how he will cope with the pain and recovery.
Exhaustion, because 3 years of the rollercoaster of emotions I’ve been on does take its toll.

Jake wasn’t scheduled into theatre until after 12 noon and with a 9 hour operation ahead I knew I was in for a long day. He checked into the hospital the day before and I spoke to him that afternoon, he didn’t want to discuss the operation as he was beginning to feel anxious, so I just reassured him and let him know I would be there to see him as soon as I could.
Matthew text me today to let me know when he heard any news he let me know.

So today was all about waiting, I’ve had no concerns about him having the op, he’s always been adamant he wanted it and I guess it the final piece in the jigsaw, I just didn’t want him to have to go through this, it seems so unfair.
I managed to sail through work, my ever optimist self, my clients today knew nothing of what I was feeling, of my angst swirling inside, threatening to erupt at the slightest moment. I stayed focused and was thankful it was a relatively early finish at 4 pm.

A few friends messaged me to see how I was and if I had any news and once I was home I had a moment to myself whilst I cleaned out the cats litter tray, when ever was there a better time to sob whilst inhaling the delightful smell of cat poo? See life can get worse!

Matthew text me at 8:45 pm, Jake was awake, that’s all I needed to know, he was awake again. Now the long haul of recovery begins, but that’s the easy bit for me, I can help him during this time and at last my son can begin to feel at ease with himself.
Matthew is visiting Jake tomorrow so hopefully I will know more and will see when I can call him.

I felt I needed to blog this immediately, even though it seems some what bland, my brain isn’t really functioning, but it’s all about how I feeling during this stage, I’m sure my emotions will once again tumble out onto my iPad.
But today has ended on a positive note and for that I will be ever thankful.

21 years later

21 years ago I gave birth to Jess, a perfect bundle of gorgeousness!
Who knew at the time the journey we as a family were about to embark on. Never did I consider I would need to take the path I have done over the last few year, never did I think I wouldn’t be sharing the journey with my then husband, just goes to show how life is so unpredictable.
The one thing I did know at the time was all I wished for was that Jess would grow up to be happy and content in her life, that I would love and support her decisions in life without judgement and I would always be by her side.
So here on Jakes 21 St birthday I wish exactly the same as I did then. I’m a very proud mother to see how my child has conquered so many difficulties in his young life and continues to grow with confidence and with what he wants to achieve. I truly couldn’t have asked for anything else.
Jake you are a true inspiration to others and I wish you nothing but happiness throughout your life where I will always be, by your side, just i case you need me.