Follow your dreams the universe is listening

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b8Kg119Bm_YTime passes and I life goes on only it never ends there is always more to add so what’s been happening in the last 3 years you may ask?

Jake moved back home after his break up, finished his final stages of surgery and then started working which involved a move towards London.

Whilst his life continued I knew he wasn’t completely happy so made every effort to keep in contact with regular drives down. Ten months later he was considering another move as his landlord was increasing his rent which was eating up half of his salary, after a weekend flat hunting and him spiraling into a melt down I suggested he moved back home.

So the next chapter began. His work meant he could spend long periods at home which made him very isolated or weeks away in a hotel. I continued to support and nurture him as I felt he had missed out on this during his ‘wilderness ‘ years.

His mental health concerned me but thankfully he sort help and began antidepressants along with a referral for a diagnosis.

As the weeks passed I could see his mood lifting, he finally passed his driving test and then made the decision to return to university to study for his masters. But the usual Jake then began to put in the what if and what about questions, let’s be honest we can all talk ourselves out of doing something we don’t know the outcome for, taking that step into the unknown makes us vulnerable but without this how can we fulfill our dreams? I asked him to trust in his choice as he admitted if he continued in his work it would wear him down and destroy him. I know I’m one of life’s optimists but I asked him to trust in the universe as once you put a plan in action magically things begin to happen, his one concern was money and although he had saved to pay his fees it was still going to be tight on his finances. I reassured him he would have a home and food and life is to be enjoyed so to follow his dreams.

So he did…

August 2019 he is currently in Japan. Yes he followed his dream to study Japanese and has finished his first year of his masters and August has been spent attending university in Kyoto.  My heart literally explodes with pride when I think of what he has achieved. I think back to the 8 year old Jess that told me one day she was going to live and work in Japan, Jess the teenager who refused to use a knife and fork opting for chopsticks and blaring out Japanese music from her bedroom. The Jess who loved anime, cosplay and anything Japanese became the Jake who still had a passion for Japan, that still held that dream deep with in his heart, that all he had been through he was brave and strong enough to take that step into the unknown.

As I had reassured him the universe stepped up and money arrived, he found a part time job which he hated but it once again showed him where he didn’t want to be in life, his dad paid for his flight to Japan, the money pot he had been saving his Christmas & birthday money and one I kept topping up paid for his hotel and living costs, he then had a tax return and landed 3 weeks full time work office based, which thank the universe appeared 2 days after he left the hated job!

So he’s been there 2 weeks and has another 3 to go, he seems to be enjoying it and has found the language easier being within the culture.

I’m astounded that 10 months since beginning his masters he is now fluent in Japanese and continues to seek out his dreams.

I know I will always worry about him but I guess that comes with the territory of being a mother, why would you ever not care?

It’s been 7 years since my journey began, 7 years that have made me the person I am today, I’ve been battered along the way and at times wondered how I coped but I did, I always will. I am a strong woman who will never allow problems to overcome me, I trust that the universe has plans and if you take time to actually listen there are always plenty of signs for you.

You just need to be vulnerable to progress.

Just another manic Monday ?

What a day it’s been.

A day filled with all kinds of emotions.
Guilt, because I couldn’t be there, even though I could do nothing but sit and wait.
Fear, of all that could go wrong with such a long operation.
Sadness, for my child having to endure this just to feel themselves.
Grief, yes that old one reared its head again, another farewell to Jess.
Concern, to how he will cope with the pain and recovery.
Exhaustion, because 3 years of the rollercoaster of emotions I’ve been on does take its toll.

Jake wasn’t scheduled into theatre until after 12 noon and with a 9 hour operation ahead I knew I was in for a long day. He checked into the hospital the day before and I spoke to him that afternoon, he didn’t want to discuss the operation as he was beginning to feel anxious, so I just reassured him and let him know I would be there to see him as soon as I could.
Matthew text me today to let me know when he heard any news he let me know.

So today was all about waiting, I’ve had no concerns about him having the op, he’s always been adamant he wanted it and I guess it the final piece in the jigsaw, I just didn’t want him to have to go through this, it seems so unfair.
I managed to sail through work, my ever optimist self, my clients today knew nothing of what I was feeling, of my angst swirling inside, threatening to erupt at the slightest moment. I stayed focused and was thankful it was a relatively early finish at 4 pm.

A few friends messaged me to see how I was and if I had any news and once I was home I had a moment to myself whilst I cleaned out the cats litter tray, when ever was there a better time to sob whilst inhaling the delightful smell of cat poo? See life can get worse!

Matthew text me at 8:45 pm, Jake was awake, that’s all I needed to know, he was awake again. Now the long haul of recovery begins, but that’s the easy bit for me, I can help him during this time and at last my son can begin to feel at ease with himself.
Matthew is visiting Jake tomorrow so hopefully I will know more and will see when I can call him.

I felt I needed to blog this immediately, even though it seems some what bland, my brain isn’t really functioning, but it’s all about how I feeling during this stage, I’m sure my emotions will once again tumble out onto my iPad.
But today has ended on a positive note and for that I will be ever thankful.

The angst is back

On Thursday, whilst I was working I saw jakes name flash up on my phone, the usual reaction to this is my heart plummets as there must be something wrong, he only rings when there is a major problem, text is the normal communication with him. I immediately was taken back to the beginning of his transition when he would call me sobbing, saying he felt he didn’t want to live anymore, I would then have to remain calm and talk to him to reassure him that eventually he would get to a good place, quite often he would be 100 miles away in London, looking back I wonder how I remained outwardly so calm.
As I couldn’t take his call he text me to tell me he had a date for his next surgery, it’s next week. I replied and said I would call him later as I was with a client and asked if he was ok about it, yes was his response, just a bit shocked. I on the other hand have gone into an internal melt down, knowing what a huge operation this is and it being in London so I can’t just pop in to check on him has sent my angst into a tsunami again, just like last year with his top surgery. It’s not that I think he shouldn’t go ahead, he has made it clear he needs to, it’s the final step, it’d the fact my child will be in pain, my child has to go through this just to feel comfortable with in their own body. Once again I just want to wrap my arms around him to protect him and once again I have to put on the brave face and be strong for him.
I guess as things have been fairly settled for a year I hadn’t really thought how I would feel when this day came. I want to scream and cry until I have nothing left within me and then I will run, to switch off my emotions, to take some respite, even if only for a short time.
I have to have faith in the surgeon, the nurses who will care for him and remain positive, life is just so unfair sometimes.

Stop crying your heart out .

I was recently looking through my photos on my iPad, I have an album named Jake, not Jess but it contains all the pictures I have taken of them over the last 7 years, it still hurts me to look at them, it stirs lots of old memories and adds fire to the angst that thankfully has settled now to the pit of my stomach and rarely churns on a day to day basis.
I now see two different people, the baby years will always be just that, a time where I nurtured and loved my child until puberty struck with a mighty fine blow and Jess became unhappy and I begin the long term relationship with my angst! Then follows the Jake years, there’s only been three of these so far but what a turn around we all have seen. Jake now smiles, his confidence has blossomed, I think he is finally beginning to feel comfortable in his own skin.
When I now look at these pictures it is hard to believe it’s the same person, the changes are incredible, the pictures of Jess and Matthew at her prom still bring tears to my eyes, she looked beautiful, she never wanted to go but changed her mind at the last minute, I wonder now how uncomfortable she must have felt but was trying so hard to desperately fit the mould she had been given. My wedding photos 4 years ago where she reluctantly wore a beautiful evening dress, I can see from the photos she didn’t want to but she did it for me and that would have been the last time I ever saw her dressed as Jess, a beautiful young woman.
Now I have a handsome son emerging, his featured are becoming more chiselled, he’s lost his womanly curves and looks lean. Although he looks young for his age at the moment I can see the man Jake will become emerging slowly, a man with integrity, passion and the drive to conquer the world! Ironically this is what I used to say to Jess when she was talking about the lack of equality in the world, that one day she would change it, look out world is all I can say!
I guess where I’m going with this is to say to those out there that are struggling on this path with their child, it does get easier, acceptance of the new image that emerges becomes the norm, gosh I would be completely shocked if Jess walked back into my life now as Jake has now become my normality.
I think sometimes we tend to hold on so tightly to what we know it makes it harder to see what’s happening around us. Change can be difficult but from experience holding on to something’s only makes other things harder to accept, you need to make room in your life, let some things go and allow others to embrace you.
I was running on Sunday, the end of my marathon training is finally here, I only had to do 8 miles, only I say but after 20 miles at the end of already doing 15+ in a week it’s a welcome relief, and oasis ‘ stop crying your heart out’ came on and I reslised that’s what I needed to do, I know that there will always be a Jess locked away in my heart, which I will always treasure, but she wouldn’t want tears as she’s left plenty of room for Jake to fill it, it’s time to let go. And stop crying my heart out.

Hold on

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, I guess initially I felt I had nothing to add, life was ok, Jake seemed fine so I was content in my little bubble.
The past couple of months we have been thrown into chaos as we decided to move house, a few years earlier than anticipated, at the beginning of the year I couldn’t even comprehend a house move, I felt I was only just emptying my stress boxes from Jake leaving home and starting work but here I am gradually packing up our home. We have sold ours and are hopefully moving into a new build not far from where we are now actually, but a house that will suit us better in 4 weeks time.
I’ve also decided to run another marathon in September, a final stab at getting a time I’ve trained for 3 other times and the weather along with hayfever has hindered it. I can’t say I’m loving running again, it’s a hard slog to commit to a training plan, but I can see it’s coming together, last Friday saw me completing 14 miles and it didn’t feel too bad although I can’t wait for the day whereby my legs aren’t omitting a low sound of ‘ouch ouch ‘ it will come I know from previous experience.
So how’s Jake you may be thinking?
He’s ok but has had periods of self doubt, thinking he won’t gain a good enough degree and looking at alternative employments, I’m hoping it’s just a little stumble, he came home for the weekend and I gave him a pep talk so I’m hoping his confidence is up again, it did make me sad when he told me the constant comments he has to endure at work by a select few, being told he should stop being so sensitive, this angers me, just because it’s not racial they seem to think it’s acceptable, I made him laugh when I told him I would love to punch any one who’s upsetting my boy!
He’s had the go ahead for further surgery which will take place over the next 2 years, when he informed ******** bank he would need 6 weeks off his manager asked him if he couldn’t take it as a career break- seriously it’s reconstructive surgery, not cosmetic, would this manager ask a woman to take a career break to have a baby, a hysterectomy or any other illness? I think not! I told him to stick with it and if needs be he will approach HR, I’m sure this particular bank doesn’t want to be seen as non PC!
Circumstances like this really remind you as an individual how you just accept your gender and the privileges that come with it, I’ve never felt this non acceptance and find it difficult how some people think they are more privileged than others because of their gender, skin color or nationality.
I’ve felt a little anxious over the last week as today Jake was flying out to Madrid as part of his study leave, after the tragedy of the tourists in Tunisia, it makes you,want to gather your loved ones close to you and the thought of him being in another country without me to help causes the angst to reappear.
But I received a text a short time ago that made me smile and realize although he is a child of few words he does still care. image

 

All roads lead to home

As its Mother’s Day here in the UK I thought it was apt to post a blog inspired by a comment from my mum.
In life we are all on a journey, interlinking roads that many of us travel, some of us take a detour and discover smaller winding roads, that others would never venture down- waves to running friends- those that have explored this particular road will understand the joy and strength that can be gathered from the challenges we put ourselves through.
There’s always been a road that I guess I never noticed, one to be honest I thought I would never need to travel, it was down a tiny little track, surrounded by trees, blink as you were passing and you would have missed it, 2 1/2 years ago I tentatively found my self walking down this track, the darkness from the overlapping trees scared me, I wasn’t sure where it would lead me to, my heart felt heavy and sad, I didn’t want to be on this unknown path but I knew I had to as my then daughter Jess had ran on ahead without me, ignoring the fears, she had ran as fast as she could, she had no other choice, it was a path she couldn’t ignore, in her world it was a motorway the quickest route leading to the place she needed to be.
It has been a long and winding road I’ve travelled, the fear begin to subsided as I took time to look around me, gather my thoughts, breath the air and just appreciate what life had to offer. Jess was still ahead of me, occasionally I would see her look back, I was always with in sight even if I had yet to catch up with her, I would wave to reassure her I was still there. The road began to open up, the sun broke through the storm clouds, I began to feel the warmth and love I was surrounded by and I found myself amongst friends and family that had too discovered they were destined for this Journey.
There were times I felt I was stumbling, the rain and wind lashed at me, these times I felt isolated, everybody who had been around me were no longer visible, they too were dealing with their issues, it was these times I wrapped my coat around me, dug deep to unearth some strength and ran against that cold wind to gain some momentum to catch Jess.
Then one day the path opened into a beautiful meadow, the sun shone, the birds were singing and the flowers surrounded me, as I blinked and starred at the beauty around me I noticed I wasn’t alone I had finally caught up with Jess, but she didn’t look like Jess any more, the same eyes starred at me but there stood Jake, smiling, happy and looking comfortable in his body.
That’s were I am now, I’m comfortable, it’s a tough journey as a parent but one we are all capable of taking when our child reveals they are transgender.
Jake made a brief overnight visit home a couple of weeks ago as he had finished uni a day earlier than expected, to save him a return visit the following weekend I suggested he had one of his injections then, the only problem was I only had time to drop him to the hospital and then to his Nan’s and she would take him home, he agreed and later on that day I received a text from my mum:

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So all roads lead to home but sometimes it takes as all a while to catch up with one another, it’s a good thing to remember when sometimes as a parent you think you are being shut out of your transgender child’s life, stay patient, support and eventually you find one another again , sometimes our children need to have a little patience with us.

Rest and relaxation

I’m currently in Mexico, Nuevo Vallarta to be precise at the dreams villa manga, took me 11 hours to get here but I actually think I’ve found a little piece of paradise. We fly home on Saturday, it’s a holiday that has gone far too quickly, one that was totally needed and one whereby I’ve relaxed, read, slept, ran and eaten some fantastic food, watched the sun set over the pacific along with a lightening storm. It’s a peaceful, tranquil resort, the staff are friendly, the sun is shinningimageimageimageimage,

I have no complaints.
I’ve had a few texts from Jake, he is currently on a 2 week study block back at uni, what a difference a year has made to him, this time last year he was attending interviews to gain a placement for work, tensions were high and now look where he is, see with love and support things really do change.

A slap to the face and all that!

A slap in the face, blow to the stomach, kick in the teeth, that’s how it feels some days.
I know I’m in a better place than I was 2 years ago and generally I’m in a more positive mood with a happy go lucky attitude but sometimes it hits you- bam and in that instant you feel the wind has been taken from you, sucked from your lungs in a second, the angst swirls in you stomach and your head screams ‘ why me?’ These moments are a lot less than previously but they are still around. It’s a moment when I feel sorry for myself, wonder why I have to deal with it, consider the unfairness of it all and once I’ve got over my own self pity I then think of jake and once again I can’t breath as then I realise how ever hard it is for me I will never comprehend how difficult it has been for jake.
The more I think of what he has dealt with the more my head feels it will explode

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And then I remember he is dealing with it, he’s happy, he’s excelling, he’s alive and that’s when I gather all my self pity and woes pack then back into a box and close the lid, Until the next time.

Silence

So I wondered if I would get a response from the letter, to be honest I wasn’t expecting one but I rather hoped Jake had heard from him. A week past and I heard nothing so after speaking with Jake about the Christmas present situation, thankfully he decided to be the better person and buy gifts for his dad and siblings, I took the presents around, first visit nobody at home so I sent a text to his wife, Natalie I have spoken to her before when trying to reunite the pair and asked when she would be in so I could pop in.
On arrival I was greeted with a smile and welcomed in, she thanked me for the presents and I told her Jake was stopping in London for Xmas this year. Then I just asked if Simon had rung Jake, she didn’t think so and said he had tried but had stopped trying because he had no response? Hmm that got my back up a little as from not trying to communicate doesn’t this mean in jakes world his father has abandoned him? If it was me I would continually ring or send a text, just to show I cared and would hope eventually he would respond. I explained how Jake felt and all he wanted was his dad to be proud of him, she said ‘ he is‘ I guess Jake needs to actually hear this. As I spoke of how far Jake had come in the last year, etc etc Natalie looked at me and said ‘ you seem to have coped well with his transition ‘ well I nearly choked on my words ‘ it’s been difficult but what else can you do? ‘ I replied, she will never know how it’s been and hopefully she never will, I wouldn’t want any one else to witness the angst I have had to with my own child.
She said she would speak to Simon, as he hadn’t mentioned any email I had said and I agreed to speak to Jake.

I asked Jake this weekend if his dad had rang him, he immediately became defensive, ‘ no, he doesn’t care’ was his response. I chose my words carefully but told him I had spoken to Natalie and repeated what she had told me, I then just asked him to respond if his dad rang, to give him that chance again. I do hope he does, he desperately wants his dad in his life I can blatantly see it and is the only reason I’ve tried to get them together again.