Live life

It’s never dull in our house.
Just as you think life may settle to some sort of normality, crash it hits you gain.
Jake rang me yesterday to say he had a call from the hospital and they could do the final stage of surgery on Monday, so this is it, the end of what seems a long road but the end and the beginning of a new one.
After discussing all the logistics of travel Jake said he would be ok to go himself as he is in london for the weekend anyway, I know he is fiercely independent but I spent a restless night thinking of him going himself, so this morning text him to see if he wanted company to the hospital, of course his reply was only if you want to, which would have been my reply if I was in this position knowing that actually you wanted the company but didn’t want to put on someone. I told him I knew he was capable but sometimes things feel better when you have support, he agreed so I’ve arranged to meet him in London as I will travel there by train and then return once he has checked into the hospital. He’s my child still how ever could I not go?
I can still remember 4 years ago when Jess first told me….

 

As I listen to the words coming from Jess I feel fear, I don’t know what to do, how do you deal with this? Of all the situations I thought I may have to deal with being a parent, this was never in my thoughts. I look at the tears falling down Jess’s face, mine mimic hers, there is nothing else to do but hold her, just as if she is a little child again. It’s ok I say, I promise we will deal with it. How? I had no idea all I knew was my child was in turmoil, my love had no boundaries and I would do anything to make her happy.
I could feel her relax a little, it will be ok I reassure whilst in my head it’s turmoil, after what seems eternity I begin the process.

At that time I honestly didn’t know how we would ever get to this point today, I made a promise I didn’t know I could keep, all I knew was I would do anything to make her happy and here we are the final stage of this long journey that has changed our lives forever.
Never give up on your dreams, they can become your reality. X

Life and reality 

It’s 2 am and my eyes open, for that split second I have no worries and then the memories return, washing over me, engulfing me until I feel I cannot breath. The image of my brother lying in a bed in ICU is scarred across my eyes, it’s one I can never ever forget, one I wish was just a nightmare I had woken from but sadly this is reality, it happens to people, loved ones become ill but why did it have to happen to my brother?

He has been in hospital since 30 th December with what they suspected double pneumonia, 3 days later he was in ICU sedated and ventilated.

It’s been a tough week and not going in to too much detail at this point the outcome is not known.

We have to remain positive, my brother D is a strong man, one always full of life, accepting of others, don’t be mislead he is no angel but underneath all his problems he has a heart of gold and hopefully after this nightmare ends he can rebuild his life and the D of my past can return.

Once again I feel myself wrapping the protective bubble around myself, trying to go about everyday life, willing him to heal but it’s hard, my reality at this point isn’t one I want.

Today was the first time I visited as all week I’ve had a chest infection so steered clear and as he had woken the day before and was off the ventilator the news was he seemed on the mend but what I saw was my brother fighting for his life, with every breath he took, how did this happen?

He had asked his partner if he is dying, that upsets me more as he is conscious enough to realise he very ill and he’s afraid. Hopefully as he gains strength and they get on top of the infection the love of his family will pull him through.

You wonder how much more you can take, you think you can’t cope but you realise you have to continue, to fight on, to support those around you and just remain positive. This is life

This is my life

I wish is wasn’t