Live life

It’s never dull in our house.
Just as you think life may settle to some sort of normality, crash it hits you gain.
Jake rang me yesterday to say he had a call from the hospital and they could do the final stage of surgery on Monday, so this is it, the end of what seems a long road but the end and the beginning of a new one.
After discussing all the logistics of travel Jake said he would be ok to go himself as he is in london for the weekend anyway, I know he is fiercely independent but I spent a restless night thinking of him going himself, so this morning text him to see if he wanted company to the hospital, of course his reply was only if you want to, which would have been my reply if I was in this position knowing that actually you wanted the company but didn’t want to put on someone. I told him I knew he was capable but sometimes things feel better when you have support, he agreed so I’ve arranged to meet him in London as I will travel there by train and then return once he has checked into the hospital. He’s my child still how ever could I not go?
I can still remember 4 years ago when Jess first told me….

 

As I listen to the words coming from Jess I feel fear, I don’t know what to do, how do you deal with this? Of all the situations I thought I may have to deal with being a parent, this was never in my thoughts. I look at the tears falling down Jess’s face, mine mimic hers, there is nothing else to do but hold her, just as if she is a little child again. It’s ok I say, I promise we will deal with it. How? I had no idea all I knew was my child was in turmoil, my love had no boundaries and I would do anything to make her happy.
I could feel her relax a little, it will be ok I reassure whilst in my head it’s turmoil, after what seems eternity I begin the process.

At that time I honestly didn’t know how we would ever get to this point today, I made a promise I didn’t know I could keep, all I knew was I would do anything to make her happy and here we are the final stage of this long journey that has changed our lives forever.
Never give up on your dreams, they can become your reality. X

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Ordinary world

We are now 3 months post op – time has moved on rapidly and our lives have once again changed.
Although it seemed we had numerous visits to the Drs after this surgery Jake had miraculously recovered with no complications and now only has one final surgery, which on the grand scale of surgeries is relatively minor!
At the end of September Jake left the family home, for a second time and moved into his new flat, it’s still 2 hours away from us but a much more manageable drive so I’m happy to visit without sending myself into a panic about driving to London.
Of course I have done little else but worry:-
– is he eating?
– Is he managing the chores?
– Is he lonely?
– What if he can’t cope?

But thankfully he seems to be managing it all, I guess I need to learn to mange my angst. Although a few weeks ago my angst was awakened and I honestly had no idea what to do but I should have realised I have a strong minded son who has always stood up for his beliefs and continued to.

It seems he has been looking into religion and has found comfort in it, which as I explained to him is his choice, I personally don’t need to go to church or be involved in a religious community to feel my beliefs are true, some people need and want this reassurance. He rang me to tell me he had been going to classes ( he has also done this whilst in London) and was planning on being baptised. I asked him which church it was and on hearing his response my angst began, not to incite any hatred I won’t name the church but let’s just say it made me feel uncomfortable , Jess attended a CofE school and never really showed and interest in religion but I did think if Jake was looking for god it would have been within this church.

What could I say but that’s his choice and if he found comfort in it then that had to be good but underneath I was irked, was someone playing on Jakes vulnerability of being in a new town trying to make friends etc etc. All week it was on my mind and how was I going to tackle the conversation at the weekend when I took the remainder of his belongings down. I didn’t want to sound like I was preaching or my opinion was right but I certainly was worried, I shouldn’t have been as Jake was still there, it seems he had to go for a baptism interview at the church leaders house and was questioned on his past relationships, he was told that same sex attraction is worse than murder, which at this point he stood up and told him that his god was clearly different and walked out. That’s the Jake I know, a strong minded individual who had been told not to question and to cut all ties with any LGBT friends, who refused as he knew this would be turning his back on all that he is and a lot of his friends. Once again I am so proud of him, he still feels he wants to pursue his beliefs but with a church that has broken from the main one.

I still worry for him but I regularly keep in contact with him, his new job seems to be going well and all I wish now is he meets a like minded soul to share his life with.

Take my hand

Addiction – what does it mean to you?
To me addiction has been part of my life for what seems like eternity.
Addiction is a disease that entwines it tentacles firmly around its victim, into their heart, body, mind and finally their soul, refusing to let go. Offering them protection from their demons, release from life, promising to make everything better as long as they remain friends forever and a day.
Addiction then becomes a family member, the one no one talks about but everyone knows, every one hates them but no one knows what to do. Maybe if addiction isn’t acknowledged it will slump off looking for another willing victim, if only, as addiction knows their victim has been well and truly caught and if the family ignore it then even better it can entrap its victim and wreak its evil havoc in their lives for eternity.
It took me many years before I truly understood addiction but still it continued with the hold it had on our whole family changing our dynamics little by little. My parents probably thought they were protecting me by not telling me of the true extent of the addiction, I probably chose not to think too deeply about it knowing I had my own problems I had to stay strong for, so little by little addiction began winning its battle to destroy the close bonds the victims family once had, constantly promising them the earth as long as they remained inseparable.
Addiction has no preferance  of race, gender or colour, it will take whoever is willing to surrender and hopes finally it can become one with its victim
The victim constantly battles addiction in the hope they can win, but addiction knows too much, it knows what to say to weaken its victim, sometimes it seems the victim is winning and the family continue their lives not really understanding the respite in behavior will only be momentary, as it takes so much strength to fight off addiction inevitably the victim once again becomes too weak.
One day addiction truly takes hold, the family watch in horror, thinking this will be the victims final battle, they have little strength left, addiction cackles in the background as the family weep silently, nobody knowing what to say to one another, all feeling the guilt of could they have done more, mentally preparing for the worse. Watching the victim in icu fighting for every breath, not letting go to find peace in the addictions hell.
Deep down the victim wants to win and sure enough against all the odds returns to the family, now there are no longer secrets, all the family know the true extent, each one wrestles with their own guilt of could they have done more and slowly the victim becomes strong and the person of old starts to shine through. The family return to old habits , bridges are hard to build when you feel you don’t know the victim because of the lost years, how do you ever start to change the learnt behaviors?
Then months later, when the victim has everything to live for, addiction comes crawling back, nagging in the victims ear until one day the victim submits. A weak moment in time that’s all it was and what sadden me is the victim didn’t feel they could ask for help, once again the old behaviors with in the family were reforming.
I wish the victim would reach out, what ever they need someone will be there when ever. We are not disappointed addiction caught you off guard, recovery is just that – recovery but please let us help you on your journey, don’t let pride stand between us, you and addiction
I am strong enough to fight off addiction for that victim and as a family there is nothing we can’t beat, just ask