Take my hand

Addiction – what does it mean to you?
To me addiction has been part of my life for what seems like eternity.
Addiction is a disease that entwines it tentacles firmly around its victim, into their heart, body, mind and finally their soul, refusing to let go. Offering them protection from their demons, release from life, promising to make everything better as long as they remain friends forever and a day.
Addiction then becomes a family member, the one no one talks about but everyone knows, every one hates them but no one knows what to do. Maybe if addiction isn’t acknowledged it will slump off looking for another willing victim, if only, as addiction knows their victim has been well and truly caught and if the family ignore it then even better it can entrap its victim and wreak its evil havoc in their lives for eternity.
It took me many years before I truly understood addiction but still it continued with the hold it had on our whole family changing our dynamics little by little. My parents probably thought they were protecting me by not telling me of the true extent of the addiction, I probably chose not to think too deeply about it knowing I had my own problems I had to stay strong for, so little by little addiction began winning its battle to destroy the close bonds the victims family once had, constantly promising them the earth as long as they remained inseparable.
Addiction has no preferance  of race, gender or colour, it will take whoever is willing to surrender and hopes finally it can become one with its victim
The victim constantly battles addiction in the hope they can win, but addiction knows too much, it knows what to say to weaken its victim, sometimes it seems the victim is winning and the family continue their lives not really understanding the respite in behavior will only be momentary, as it takes so much strength to fight off addiction inevitably the victim once again becomes too weak.
One day addiction truly takes hold, the family watch in horror, thinking this will be the victims final battle, they have little strength left, addiction cackles in the background as the family weep silently, nobody knowing what to say to one another, all feeling the guilt of could they have done more, mentally preparing for the worse. Watching the victim in icu fighting for every breath, not letting go to find peace in the addictions hell.
Deep down the victim wants to win and sure enough against all the odds returns to the family, now there are no longer secrets, all the family know the true extent, each one wrestles with their own guilt of could they have done more and slowly the victim becomes strong and the person of old starts to shine through. The family return to old habits , bridges are hard to build when you feel you don’t know the victim because of the lost years, how do you ever start to change the learnt behaviors?
Then months later, when the victim has everything to live for, addiction comes crawling back, nagging in the victims ear until one day the victim submits. A weak moment in time that’s all it was and what sadden me is the victim didn’t feel they could ask for help, once again the old behaviors with in the family were reforming.
I wish the victim would reach out, what ever they need someone will be there when ever. We are not disappointed addiction caught you off guard, recovery is just that – recovery but please let us help you on your journey, don’t let pride stand between us, you and addiction
I am strong enough to fight off addiction for that victim and as a family there is nothing we can’t beat, just ask

Life and reality 

It’s 2 am and my eyes open, for that split second I have no worries and then the memories return, washing over me, engulfing me until I feel I cannot breath. The image of my brother lying in a bed in ICU is scarred across my eyes, it’s one I can never ever forget, one I wish was just a nightmare I had woken from but sadly this is reality, it happens to people, loved ones become ill but why did it have to happen to my brother?

He has been in hospital since 30 th December with what they suspected double pneumonia, 3 days later he was in ICU sedated and ventilated.

It’s been a tough week and not going in to too much detail at this point the outcome is not known.

We have to remain positive, my brother D is a strong man, one always full of life, accepting of others, don’t be mislead he is no angel but underneath all his problems he has a heart of gold and hopefully after this nightmare ends he can rebuild his life and the D of my past can return.

Once again I feel myself wrapping the protective bubble around myself, trying to go about everyday life, willing him to heal but it’s hard, my reality at this point isn’t one I want.

Today was the first time I visited as all week I’ve had a chest infection so steered clear and as he had woken the day before and was off the ventilator the news was he seemed on the mend but what I saw was my brother fighting for his life, with every breath he took, how did this happen?

He had asked his partner if he is dying, that upsets me more as he is conscious enough to realise he very ill and he’s afraid. Hopefully as he gains strength and they get on top of the infection the love of his family will pull him through.

You wonder how much more you can take, you think you can’t cope but you realise you have to continue, to fight on, to support those around you and just remain positive. This is life

This is my life

I wish is wasn’t