I’ve meant to have been here a thousand times but I’ve found a thousand reasons not to be. I’ve had to put all my energy into staying the bright and optimistic person I generally am. Jake returned home and has been extremely stressed about everything. He wisely booked a GP appointment who then referred him to mental health, who unsurprisingly were astounded he had manage to achieve what he has over the previous few years without combusting. My job has been to make sure he is eating regularly, taking what stress I can out of his life and helping him to think ahead.
Whilst it has settled me in some ways to know I’m helping him through this it too takes it toll on me, I’m tired, I find some days it’s hard to be optimistic when I feel life has been so cruel to him. My inner angst has once again taken over, the swirl is constantly reminding me of how my life is but I’m hoping once again it will subside. I guess not being here has stopped me thinking too hard about what’s been occurring, if you don’t think too deeply it can’t hurt you too much.
Some good news now, Jake has gained his degree so is how the proud owner of a 2:1 BA (Hons) in business management. Something we as a family are extremely proud of, he has also secured a new job starting in September, which I hope will bring a happy new stage to his life, a beginning of new friendships.
We have been looking forward to his degree ceremony on the 18 th July, a proud moment when 3 years ago at the start of his course he almost didn’t make it, a day that took tremendous courage from him, until he received a call from the hospital to offer him the next stage of his surgery on the 16 th July, of course this is perfect to fit in with his schedule of leaving his present job, recovering and preparing for his new position, the only downside being he won’t be able to attend his ceremony, but jake said he didn’t work 3 years for a ceremony, how true.
As I mentioned earlier I’ve been struggling lately, just with lots of things but after a chat with a new client who is also a therapist, I guess I’ve been trying too much with everything, some of my worries would be ‘normal’ worries but I have the added twist of a transgender child. I’m worry too much and I must learn to let go of the past, Jess has gone and I have to remember I have a level headed son who has proved he can achieve but sometimes you wish you didn’t need to be strong all the time, that others realised things aren’t always rosy and even the ever optimist doesn’t know what to do. I know I’m tough, I put on a brave face but I’ve noticed recently how some friends just don’t ask, you know, don’t actually say ‘ how are you during through all this?, some I’ve not heard from, I know we are all busy but if I know someone is struggling I try to let them know I’m thinking of them or offer some words of comfort, that hurts and it’s been from some you wouldn’t expect whilst others have been great. Again I’m trying not to dwell too much.
Friday we are heading to London to do a few tourist things before Jake check is into the hospital and I will return home until he needs picking up, life goes on and this will be my final goodbye to Jess, all that was her will be gone and I need to move on.