Audio

Saying goodbye 

 

I’ve meant to have been here a thousand times but I’ve found a thousand reasons not to be. I’ve had to put all my energy into staying the bright and optimistic person I generally am. Jake returned home and has been extremely stressed about everything. He wisely booked a GP appointment who then referred him to mental health, who unsurprisingly were astounded he had manage to achieve what he has over the previous few years without combusting. My job has been to make sure he is eating regularly, taking what stress I can out of his life and helping him to think ahead.
Whilst it has settled me in some ways to know I’m helping him through this it too takes it toll on me, I’m tired, I find some days it’s hard to be optimistic when I feel life has been so cruel to him. My inner angst has once again taken over, the swirl is constantly reminding me of how my life is but I’m hoping once again it will subside. I guess not being here has stopped me thinking too hard about what’s been occurring, if you don’t think too deeply it can’t hurt you too much.
Some good news now, Jake has gained his degree so is how the proud owner of a 2:1 BA (Hons) in business management. Something we as a family are extremely proud of, he has also secured a new job starting in September, which I hope will bring a happy new stage to his life, a beginning of new friendships.
We have been looking forward to his degree ceremony on the 18 th July, a proud moment when 3 years ago at the start of his course he almost didn’t make it, a day that took tremendous courage from him, until he received a call from the hospital to offer him the next stage of his surgery on the 16 th July, of course this is perfect to fit in with his schedule of leaving his present job, recovering and preparing for his new position, the only downside being he won’t be able to attend his ceremony, but jake said he didn’t work 3 years for a ceremony, how true.
As I mentioned earlier I’ve been struggling lately, just with lots of things but after a chat with a new client who is also a therapist, I guess I’ve been trying too much with everything, some of my worries would be ‘normal’ worries but I have the added twist of a transgender child. I’m worry too much and I must learn to let go of the past, Jess has gone and I have to remember I have a level headed son who has proved he can achieve but sometimes you wish you didn’t need to be strong all the time, that others realised things aren’t always rosy and even the ever optimist doesn’t know what to do. I know I’m tough, I put on a brave face but I’ve noticed recently how some friends just don’t ask, you know, don’t actually say ‘ how are you during through all this?, some I’ve not heard from, I know we are all busy but if I know someone is struggling I try to let them know I’m thinking of them or offer some words of comfort, that hurts and it’s been from some you wouldn’t expect whilst others have been great. Again I’m trying not to dwell too much.
Friday we are heading to London to do a few tourist things before Jake check is into the hospital and I will return home until he needs picking up, life goes on and this will be my final goodbye to Jess, all that was her will be gone and I need to move on.

 

Time stood still for a few seconds 

https://youtu.be/m8AXUq5uA0Y
Tick tock tick tock…….

Time has been passing me by and generally all has been ok, I still have my own issues of ‘why my child?’ And anger associated with what he has had to go through and what he has missed out on but I realise I need to let this go at some point.As time ticked on silently in the background it suddenly stopped. 

Sunday I had a text from my ex asking whether I had heard from Jake, well as you can imagine I felt as if my heart stopped beating, what had happened to him? I imagined the worst. He said he would speak to him and let me know.

Some time later Jake rang me and explained him and Matthew has split up. I felt as if my world had imploded, Mathew has been the stable part of Jakes life for 7 1/2 years, I just couldn’t comprehend.

The days that followed had my angst once again swirling, Jake was up and down on what he was going to do, initially he was flat hunting and had found a suitable one until I suggested that because he possibly had surgery in the near future and the fact he may be changing jobs and therefore locations why didn’t he return home for the short term and give himself some breathing space, he agreed to do this.

Thursday morning he called and said he couldn’t wait for the weekend and would I pick him up that day? I had no choice, of course I would even though the thought of driving to London on my own filled me with panic, it was a time not to think and just do it.

Two hours later I arrived, a sense of relief washed over me, it’s amazing what you can do once adrenaline takes over.

Matthew was in the flat so I gave him a hug and said how sorry I was it had ended. We quickly packed up jakes belongings and I said goodbye to Matthew. We will need to return at some point to take the rest of Jakes belongings but my priority was just to get Jake home and to feel safe. He admitted he wasn’t coping, this of course was no surprise when you consider what he has been dealing with over the last few years, uni, full time work and his transition, at some point it seemed inevitable he would combust.

So he’s home, it’s odd having him around and it’s so easy to fall in to the parent / child mode but I’m trying not to, he’s 22, he’s an adult!

He is looking at possibly buying a property nearby and commuting to work, it’s a big step but I guess it like he is retuning to the family fold once again. 

I still feel sad about the whole situation and I have checked Matthew is ok, but there is nothing else I can do except to just be here for either of them. 

A friend said that maybe it was a case of the relationship had run its course, Matthew has been an important part of Jess’s and Jakes lives but the two of them no longer needed each other, maybe I guess only time will tell. 

Thankful

It’s seems so long since I’ve been here, is this good or bad?
After moving house at Xmas and having no home broadband I guess I just got out of the habit of reading the blogs I follow and updating mine.
Thankfully my brother, against all the odds pulled through and left hospital in early February, he still has on going heart issues but he’s still with us, so that has to be a positive.

We’ve settled into our new house and now have a new addition, a labradoodle, she kind of found us as I really wasn’t ready for another dog but sometimes these things happen and it doesn’t take long before you find another set of paws firming imbedded in your heart. It’s almost a year since Pepsi died and I still miss her, Dotty has a lot to live up to but she’s a lovely puppy and fitting into our lives as if she’s always been there.

Jake continues to just get on with his life. At the moment it seems he’s buried deep in his final dissertation as he will graduate this May. It’s incredible to think how quickly those 3 uni years have passed. Remembering back to that first day, which can still bring tears to my eyes to where he is today ( which also brings tears to my eyes but different ones) so much has changed.
Even though I now see Jake as male as Jess has long gone, I still have many memories that tug at my heart and make me think of how much easier life could have been for all of us.
Mother’s Day is a particular reminder for me, it’s a day that I now feel is blighted, yeah I know I have a child that’s happy and all that but even that sometimes isn’t enough to repair the damage with in my heart.
Seeing the constant updates on social media of ‘ look what I got for Mother’s Day from my wonderful children’ just really grates on me, because it’s just all show, why do people feel the need to basically brag?
To me, as a mother of a transgender child I’m just thankful they are still alive, thankful they had the courage to tell me, thankful they knew that they are loved unconditionally.

I’m thankful that living through this experience it has made me more understanding and one day I may be there for some one else that may think theirs lives have ended. In fact it felt like our lives were paused for a while and now have been restarted.

Life and reality 

It’s 2 am and my eyes open, for that split second I have no worries and then the memories return, washing over me, engulfing me until I feel I cannot breath. The image of my brother lying in a bed in ICU is scarred across my eyes, it’s one I can never ever forget, one I wish was just a nightmare I had woken from but sadly this is reality, it happens to people, loved ones become ill but why did it have to happen to my brother?

He has been in hospital since 30 th December with what they suspected double pneumonia, 3 days later he was in ICU sedated and ventilated.

It’s been a tough week and not going in to too much detail at this point the outcome is not known.

We have to remain positive, my brother D is a strong man, one always full of life, accepting of others, don’t be mislead he is no angel but underneath all his problems he has a heart of gold and hopefully after this nightmare ends he can rebuild his life and the D of my past can return.

Once again I feel myself wrapping the protective bubble around myself, trying to go about everyday life, willing him to heal but it’s hard, my reality at this point isn’t one I want.

Today was the first time I visited as all week I’ve had a chest infection so steered clear and as he had woken the day before and was off the ventilator the news was he seemed on the mend but what I saw was my brother fighting for his life, with every breath he took, how did this happen?

He had asked his partner if he is dying, that upsets me more as he is conscious enough to realise he very ill and he’s afraid. Hopefully as he gains strength and they get on top of the infection the love of his family will pull him through.

You wonder how much more you can take, you think you can’t cope but you realise you have to continue, to fight on, to support those around you and just remain positive. This is life

This is my life

I wish is wasn’t

A million years ago…

When you are presented in life with situations that are completely foreign you can either sink or swim, three years ago, myself not particularly a good swimmer but compared to the majority of woman my age, a strong runner, I chose to hold on tight and bloody well run.
I didn’t know what was ahead of me, how I or my family and most of all my child would cope, all I knew was I couldn’t give in no matter what. To stride forward in life and use what ever I had to solve to problems we would all face. It’s been tough I won’t deny it, there were times I felt I didn’t know what to do, times I sat alone sobbing, wondering why this had happened, laughed at myself to think I had it all sorted, as so far in my life it had been rosy, even during the turmoil of a divorce, that hadn’t phased me as much as what I had at the time with Jake. I am an optimist and I guess I will always be the kind of person to take what I have and make the best of it but has it changed me?
I think it has, it’s made me more appreciative of what I do have, my family that have stood alongside Jake, the friends that I had around me but have found a new stronger friendship evolving and some lovely new friendships.
I’ve never judged somebody on what they have or who they are but this has made me more emphatic towards others, to try and offer help and advice where at times I may have stepped away.
Somethings I wish for the carefree life I had, without the swirling angst but then I think of Jake and realise what I yearn for didn’t include a happy Jess, the carefree days of a young Jess were wonderful and I will always treasure those but those teenage years I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but I have to take from that experience and use it to help others, one day it could be a friend that finds themselves in the situation I was or maybe someone I haven’t met yet but what I know is I’m prepared and I will take their hands hold on tight and let them walk with me until eventually they too can run free with hope and happiness in their hearts.

We are all fighting for something

To think 3 years ago I thought my world had ended, to how we all are today is quite amazing , it’s like a parallel life, what it could have been and what it is.
I feel full of mixed emotions about this operation, even though, l knew it was in the pipeline I hadn’t thought too deeply about it, it was just part of the plan.
The more I think of what Jake has endured this week the more my emotions swirl. It’s a major operation, most of us would never have to comprehend what it entails, let alone it be your child. It’s  a recondite situation.
I guess I’m confused, am I mourning, once again, a final piece of Jess or is it the procedure he has had to endure? I’m not sure if I would feel more at ease being at the hospital, seeing for myself he is ok. A friend said it’s probably the finality of the situation that now makes it real, I didn’t feel confused like this after top surgery, that’s when I finally began to understand, for those new to my blog and haven’t read back here it is
https://transgenderandme.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/and-then-i-understood/
Maybe when I visit on Sunday I will once again understand. Matthew has visited and said he’s told him he feel more complete so I guess that’s what I have to cherish, to feel complete is something we all crave, in what ever form.