Breathing under water

Yes 2016 was the year I learnt to breath under water.It was a year many people hated, it almost was portrayed as a cursed year.
For me It started with my brother in ICU, I seriously didn’t think he would still be here to tell the tale but thankfully he is and I know he’s had a tough year but hopefully he too has learnt he can also breath under water.

It was the year Jake returned home for half of it due to his relationship break up and final stages of surgery. In may when he returned he looked broken but with the care, love and support a family environment can give he started to heal and I know he still has issues to resolve but I think with in time he will get there, I’m just mindful at the moment to contact him a little more often and plan visits, I guess it can be lonely starting life again in a new town and job, we have always been very close and I do miss having him nearby.

For me 2016 was a sabbatical year as far as my running was concerned, I had lost all enthusiasm and I think this had a lot to do with where we had moved to, it’s a lot more isolated and I don’t feel comfortable heading out alone across the fields, also I was tired, even though I had entered another marathon I didn’t have the strength of mind to train for it so I listened to my body and sort out other types of exercise and fell in love with spinning and boot camp style training. The addition of our new puppy has now given me another option as I have trained her to run attached to me, she’s up to 3.5 miles now and as she gets older I will be increasing her distance. It’s pure joy to be out running with her, a different kind of running as I’m not pushing my pace just running to enjoy.

With a new found enthusiasm I have now offered to help train with 2 friends who are both running their first London marathon and our first long run of 8 miles was just pure pleasure, I ran at ease and it felt great to know I still had s good level of fitness, also to support these friends during their training journey excites me, I remember how I felt during my first one and how much I’ve learnt, it’s extremely valuable knowledge and has made me realise I can do anything.

So jake has had stage 2 and 3 of his surgery and finally all is complete. It feels like a long 4 years but equally the time has passed at break neck speed and the Jess of the past now seems another life to me. I still miss her, as in the young Jess who was a happy go lucky child with a thirst for knowledge, the 2 1/2 year old Jess who was bouncing on the couch singing along to the spice girls, pointing out how baby spice had bunches just like her, the endless games of my little pony, along with the obsession with Snow White. I had a beautiful little daughter and I will treasure those memories within my heart forever.

I’m now making new memories with jake and I guess I feel I have a whole chunk of memories that I should have but are missing, the teenage years were tough and I so wish Jake had not experienced it and just had the privilege most of us never consider, to be comfortable in our own gender.

Who knows what this year will bring the only thing I know is I run marathons, I can drive to London, I can do anything, I can breathe under water.

Live life

It’s never dull in our house.
Just as you think life may settle to some sort of normality, crash it hits you gain.
Jake rang me yesterday to say he had a call from the hospital and they could do the final stage of surgery on Monday, so this is it, the end of what seems a long road but the end and the beginning of a new one.
After discussing all the logistics of travel Jake said he would be ok to go himself as he is in london for the weekend anyway, I know he is fiercely independent but I spent a restless night thinking of him going himself, so this morning text him to see if he wanted company to the hospital, of course his reply was only if you want to, which would have been my reply if I was in this position knowing that actually you wanted the company but didn’t want to put on someone. I told him I knew he was capable but sometimes things feel better when you have support, he agreed so I’ve arranged to meet him in London as I will travel there by train and then return once he has checked into the hospital. He’s my child still how ever could I not go?
I can still remember 4 years ago when Jess first told me….

 

As I listen to the words coming from Jess I feel fear, I don’t know what to do, how do you deal with this? Of all the situations I thought I may have to deal with being a parent, this was never in my thoughts. I look at the tears falling down Jess’s face, mine mimic hers, there is nothing else to do but hold her, just as if she is a little child again. It’s ok I say, I promise we will deal with it. How? I had no idea all I knew was my child was in turmoil, my love had no boundaries and I would do anything to make her happy.
I could feel her relax a little, it will be ok I reassure whilst in my head it’s turmoil, after what seems eternity I begin the process.

At that time I honestly didn’t know how we would ever get to this point today, I made a promise I didn’t know I could keep, all I knew was I would do anything to make her happy and here we are the final stage of this long journey that has changed our lives forever.
Never give up on your dreams, they can become your reality. X

Take my hand

Addiction – what does it mean to you?
To me addiction has been part of my life for what seems like eternity.
Addiction is a disease that entwines it tentacles firmly around its victim, into their heart, body, mind and finally their soul, refusing to let go. Offering them protection from their demons, release from life, promising to make everything better as long as they remain friends forever and a day.
Addiction then becomes a family member, the one no one talks about but everyone knows, every one hates them but no one knows what to do. Maybe if addiction isn’t acknowledged it will slump off looking for another willing victim, if only, as addiction knows their victim has been well and truly caught and if the family ignore it then even better it can entrap its victim and wreak its evil havoc in their lives for eternity.
It took me many years before I truly understood addiction but still it continued with the hold it had on our whole family changing our dynamics little by little. My parents probably thought they were protecting me by not telling me of the true extent of the addiction, I probably chose not to think too deeply about it knowing I had my own problems I had to stay strong for, so little by little addiction began winning its battle to destroy the close bonds the victims family once had, constantly promising them the earth as long as they remained inseparable.
Addiction has no preferance  of race, gender or colour, it will take whoever is willing to surrender and hopes finally it can become one with its victim
The victim constantly battles addiction in the hope they can win, but addiction knows too much, it knows what to say to weaken its victim, sometimes it seems the victim is winning and the family continue their lives not really understanding the respite in behavior will only be momentary, as it takes so much strength to fight off addiction inevitably the victim once again becomes too weak.
One day addiction truly takes hold, the family watch in horror, thinking this will be the victims final battle, they have little strength left, addiction cackles in the background as the family weep silently, nobody knowing what to say to one another, all feeling the guilt of could they have done more, mentally preparing for the worse. Watching the victim in icu fighting for every breath, not letting go to find peace in the addictions hell.
Deep down the victim wants to win and sure enough against all the odds returns to the family, now there are no longer secrets, all the family know the true extent, each one wrestles with their own guilt of could they have done more and slowly the victim becomes strong and the person of old starts to shine through. The family return to old habits , bridges are hard to build when you feel you don’t know the victim because of the lost years, how do you ever start to change the learnt behaviors?
Then months later, when the victim has everything to live for, addiction comes crawling back, nagging in the victims ear until one day the victim submits. A weak moment in time that’s all it was and what sadden me is the victim didn’t feel they could ask for help, once again the old behaviors with in the family were reforming.
I wish the victim would reach out, what ever they need someone will be there when ever. We are not disappointed addiction caught you off guard, recovery is just that – recovery but please let us help you on your journey, don’t let pride stand between us, you and addiction
I am strong enough to fight off addiction for that victim and as a family there is nothing we can’t beat, just ask