I’ve realised everyone is broken in some way. How can you survive life and not be ? You think you’re mended then wham it hits you a memory, right in the eye where it radiates into your brain. You remember how you felt as it reaches your heart, the pain still shocks you and your eyes fill with tears that slowly trickle down your cheeks. With each teardrop the memories once again recede, as they touch your lips, their salty taste reminding you of what you’ve been through and once agin you feel your body absorb them into your heart. Mostly I’m ok with life, I’m happy my son has reached a point whereby surgery is behind him and he can begin to try and live his life and not just exist it. I’m grateful he is alive but it doesn’t stop the odd memory that can be triggered by something so small.
Yesterday a memory was triggered but at the time actually didn’t realise until early this morning.
A client of mine who I’ve know for 15 years and I consider a friend confided in me her 19 year old daughter was 4/5 months pregnant, no big deal really in today society but she’s been through a tough 5 years with a divorce from her domineering husband that has left her exhausted. Recently she had met a man from a dating site, she admitted he wasn’t her ‘type’ but had found her soul mate, its a wonderful heart lifting story and I’m so pleased for her, proving people come into your life when you most need them. During the last few years her daughter has fought depression and both of them have been pushed to the limit but I noticed yesterday a bonding between them and at the time didn’t know of the baby. She’s practical about it but said ‘ it’s my grandchild there is no choice’ exactly I replied the baby will be loved what ever happens and that’s all that matters.
So this morning I awoke and of course this was my first thought and then I remembered Jake will never be able to have children, those hopes I once had of Jess becoming a mother and helping her on that journey once again resonated through my head, this was never going to happen and once again it broke my heart. For myself as a grandparent, Jess as a mother and Jake as a father. I thought I had dealt with it and I guess it still sits there nestled with in the hole in my heart.
I have to accept these memories will always be with me and I don’t know what the future may hold for Jake and a future partner but once again it doesn’t stop it from hurting.