A million years ago…

When you are presented in life with situations that are completely foreign you can either sink or swim, three years ago, myself not particularly a good swimmer but compared to the majority of woman my age, a strong runner, I chose to hold on tight and bloody well run.
I didn’t know what was ahead of me, how I or my family and most of all my child would cope, all I knew was I couldn’t give in no matter what. To stride forward in life and use what ever I had to solve to problems we would all face. It’s been tough I won’t deny it, there were times I felt I didn’t know what to do, times I sat alone sobbing, wondering why this had happened, laughed at myself to think I had it all sorted, as so far in my life it had been rosy, even during the turmoil of a divorce, that hadn’t phased me as much as what I had at the time with Jake. I am an optimist and I guess I will always be the kind of person to take what I have and make the best of it but has it changed me?
I think it has, it’s made me more appreciative of what I do have, my family that have stood alongside Jake, the friends that I had around me but have found a new stronger friendship evolving and some lovely new friendships.
I’ve never judged somebody on what they have or who they are but this has made me more emphatic towards others, to try and offer help and advice where at times I may have stepped away.
Somethings I wish for the carefree life I had, without the swirling angst but then I think of Jake and realise what I yearn for didn’t include a happy Jess, the carefree days of a young Jess were wonderful and I will always treasure those but those teenage years I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but I have to take from that experience and use it to help others, one day it could be a friend that finds themselves in the situation I was or maybe someone I haven’t met yet but what I know is I’m prepared and I will take their hands hold on tight and let them walk with me until eventually they too can run free with hope and happiness in their hearts.

We are all fighting for something

To think 3 years ago I thought my world had ended, to how we all are today is quite amazing , it’s like a parallel life, what it could have been and what it is.
I feel full of mixed emotions about this operation, even though, l knew it was in the pipeline I hadn’t thought too deeply about it, it was just part of the plan.
The more I think of what Jake has endured this week the more my emotions swirl. It’s a major operation, most of us would never have to comprehend what it entails, let alone it be your child. It’s  a recondite situation.
I guess I’m confused, am I mourning, once again, a final piece of Jess or is it the procedure he has had to endure? I’m not sure if I would feel more at ease being at the hospital, seeing for myself he is ok. A friend said it’s probably the finality of the situation that now makes it real, I didn’t feel confused like this after top surgery, that’s when I finally began to understand, for those new to my blog and haven’t read back here it is
https://transgenderandme.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/and-then-i-understood/
Maybe when I visit on Sunday I will once again understand. Matthew has visited and said he’s told him he feel more complete so I guess that’s what I have to cherish, to feel complete is something we all crave, in what ever form.

Just another manic Monday ?

What a day it’s been.

A day filled with all kinds of emotions.
Guilt, because I couldn’t be there, even though I could do nothing but sit and wait.
Fear, of all that could go wrong with such a long operation.
Sadness, for my child having to endure this just to feel themselves.
Grief, yes that old one reared its head again, another farewell to Jess.
Concern, to how he will cope with the pain and recovery.
Exhaustion, because 3 years of the rollercoaster of emotions I’ve been on does take its toll.

Jake wasn’t scheduled into theatre until after 12 noon and with a 9 hour operation ahead I knew I was in for a long day. He checked into the hospital the day before and I spoke to him that afternoon, he didn’t want to discuss the operation as he was beginning to feel anxious, so I just reassured him and let him know I would be there to see him as soon as I could.
Matthew text me today to let me know when he heard any news he let me know.

So today was all about waiting, I’ve had no concerns about him having the op, he’s always been adamant he wanted it and I guess it the final piece in the jigsaw, I just didn’t want him to have to go through this, it seems so unfair.
I managed to sail through work, my ever optimist self, my clients today knew nothing of what I was feeling, of my angst swirling inside, threatening to erupt at the slightest moment. I stayed focused and was thankful it was a relatively early finish at 4 pm.

A few friends messaged me to see how I was and if I had any news and once I was home I had a moment to myself whilst I cleaned out the cats litter tray, when ever was there a better time to sob whilst inhaling the delightful smell of cat poo? See life can get worse!

Matthew text me at 8:45 pm, Jake was awake, that’s all I needed to know, he was awake again. Now the long haul of recovery begins, but that’s the easy bit for me, I can help him during this time and at last my son can begin to feel at ease with himself.
Matthew is visiting Jake tomorrow so hopefully I will know more and will see when I can call him.

I felt I needed to blog this immediately, even though it seems some what bland, my brain isn’t really functioning, but it’s all about how I feeling during this stage, I’m sure my emotions will once again tumble out onto my iPad.
But today has ended on a positive note and for that I will be ever thankful.