The angst is back

On Thursday, whilst I was working I saw jakes name flash up on my phone, the usual reaction to this is my heart plummets as there must be something wrong, he only rings when there is a major problem, text is the normal communication with him. I immediately was taken back to the beginning of his transition when he would call me sobbing, saying he felt he didn’t want to live anymore, I would then have to remain calm and talk to him to reassure him that eventually he would get to a good place, quite often he would be 100 miles away in London, looking back I wonder how I remained outwardly so calm.
As I couldn’t take his call he text me to tell me he had a date for his next surgery, it’s next week. I replied and said I would call him later as I was with a client and asked if he was ok about it, yes was his response, just a bit shocked. I on the other hand have gone into an internal melt down, knowing what a huge operation this is and it being in London so I can’t just pop in to check on him has sent my angst into a tsunami again, just like last year with his top surgery. It’s not that I think he shouldn’t go ahead, he has made it clear he needs to, it’s the final step, it’d the fact my child will be in pain, my child has to go through this just to feel comfortable with in their own body. Once again I just want to wrap my arms around him to protect him and once again I have to put on the brave face and be strong for him.
I guess as things have been fairly settled for a year I hadn’t really thought how I would feel when this day came. I want to scream and cry until I have nothing left within me and then I will run, to switch off my emotions, to take some respite, even if only for a short time.
I have to have faith in the surgeon, the nurses who will care for him and remain positive, life is just so unfair sometimes.