A slap to the face and all that!

A slap in the face, blow to the stomach, kick in the teeth, that’s how it feels some days.
I know I’m in a better place than I was 2 years ago and generally I’m in a more positive mood with a happy go lucky attitude but sometimes it hits you- bam and in that instant you feel the wind has been taken from you, sucked from your lungs in a second, the angst swirls in you stomach and your head screams ‘ why me?’ These moments are a lot less than previously but they are still around. It’s a moment when I feel sorry for myself, wonder why I have to deal with it, consider the unfairness of it all and once I’ve got over my own self pity I then think of jake and once again I can’t breath as then I realise how ever hard it is for me I will never comprehend how difficult it has been for jake.
The more I think of what he has dealt with the more my head feels it will explode

.
And then I remember he is dealing with it, he’s happy, he’s excelling, he’s alive and that’s when I gather all my self pity and woes pack then back into a box and close the lid, Until the next time.

Christmas came and went

Christmas came and for once I was totally prepared, nothing like the Christmas 2 years ago where I felt my world had stopped, everyone was continuing their preparations and I felt I was standing still in the middle of it, totally shocked about why I was having to deal with, but having to carry on with a smile on my face.

I had a lovely Christmas but it did seem a little strange that Jake didn’t come home, but I accepted it, it’s what kids do they leave home and start to live their own life, maybe next year he will come home. I cooked dinner for my parents my brother and his three boys it was lovely to see them all.
We visited Jake and Matthew on the Saturday after xmas, I had made up a food hamper for them with treats I knew they would enjoy, my husband joked we were taking down a Red Cross food parcel!
We went out for lunch and even did a tourist thing and road the cable cars over to the O2 to eat at wagamamas

Overall it was a lovely day, I took a photo of Jake and Matthew on the cable cars which is a reminder for me as Jake is smiling, not just a smile a proper happy faced smile. I asked if he had heard from his dad, he said his dad had text him and sent him some money for xmas, I hope this is the first steps to rebuilding their relationship, I also hope Jake puts some effort in too I know he feels abandoned but if he wants a relationship he too must put some work in.

Jake returned home for a day visit this week as he had an appointment with Mr T at the gender clinic. We had a chat about what he’s been up to and it made me smile when he was discussing buying a house. You see his ultimate dream is to buy a house, out of the city, a normal kind of life, one that makes me realise he is feeling happy within himself, he’s planning for the future!
So from where I was 2 years ago which to be honest seems another life time ago I’m now happy and have less angst, of course being a mother I will always worry but hopefully life will become normal, what ever that is!

Aside

Inspiring blog award

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Happy new year to you all, hopefully I will try and catch up blogging but before that I was amazed to find I’ve been nominated twice for a very inspiring bloggers award!
– steps forward, awaits for the applause to subside, clears throat-
Thank you

to http://teawithess.com/2015/01/03/award-time/
And
https://ayellowcrayon.wordpress.com/2014/12/31/very-inspiring-blog-award-nomination/
For my nominations. It’s lovely to think that my pondering has inspired others, I initially started blogging to help myself understand what I was dealing with, I’m so glad I did as when I read back over some of the earlier posts the emotions I felt at the time all return, they can still really hurt but the difference is now I’m in a different position mentally, I’m dealing with jakes transition, I’m grateful that at last he is happy and I am mostly grateful for the fact he still Is here and he had the courage to speak to me. I know not all have this, that does sadden me, but maybe my blog can show other parents who are struggling that it does get better, you can smile again. 

 


The rules of the award are;

1 thank the person who nominated you, display the award on your post.
2 list the award rules
3 state 7 random things about yourself
4 nominate other bloggers
5 contact your nominees to let them know you have nominated
6 proudly display the award logo on your blog either on a side bar, about page or a special award page

 
So 7 random things about me
1 I spent the first 11 years of my life living on a farm
2 I love animals and currently have 2 cats 1 dog and 2 budgies ( Yep I still have them)
3 At the age of 13 I was knocked over by a car travelling in excess of 30mph, on a zebra crossing whilst wearing roller skates- obviously I survived!
4 I love to read, many thrillers or crimes but I will give anything a go
5 I’ve run 5 marathons , 1 20 mile race and 6 half marathons, a couple of 10 mile races 1, 10k and a hand full of 5k. I’ve ran since I was 18 it’s part of me
6 I love reality TV, big brother is my favourite but you,name it I probably have watched it
7 From a very young age I wanted to join the police force but sadly back in the day there was a minimum height and being 5 ft I failed!

 

I would like to nominate the following bloggers, I’m always pleased when I see another update from theses particular people.

http://transdoctor.wordpress.com/about/ I often wish I could give this blogger a hug and say it will be ok
http://secretlyfabulous.wordpress.com/about/ always up beat and has inspired me in many ways

https://callmekeira.wordpress.com I feel she is still a lost soul and hopeful she is finding her feet

https://butchcountry67.wordpress.com/about/ dedication to his wife and I really love his life style and values

https://callhimhunter.wordpress.com/about-me/ another parent who is supporting their transgender son

http://katcarpita.wordpress.com/2015/01/02/friday-fuzz-2/ always an inspiration to me and some lovely pictures

http://recoveringwomancaughtinadultery.wordpress.com/about/ lily what can I say but I just adore your style of writing, I await your update, relish every word and then have to remind myself this is your life not a fictional novel.