Silence

So I wondered if I would get a response from the letter, to be honest I wasn’t expecting one but I rather hoped Jake had heard from him. A week past and I heard nothing so after speaking with Jake about the Christmas present situation, thankfully he decided to be the better person and buy gifts for his dad and siblings, I took the presents around, first visit nobody at home so I sent a text to his wife, Natalie I have spoken to her before when trying to reunite the pair and asked when she would be in so I could pop in.
On arrival I was greeted with a smile and welcomed in, she thanked me for the presents and I told her Jake was stopping in London for Xmas this year. Then I just asked if Simon had rung Jake, she didn’t think so and said he had tried but had stopped trying because he had no response? Hmm that got my back up a little as from not trying to communicate doesn’t this mean in jakes world his father has abandoned him? If it was me I would continually ring or send a text, just to show I cared and would hope eventually he would respond. I explained how Jake felt and all he wanted was his dad to be proud of him, she said ‘ he is‘ I guess Jake needs to actually hear this. As I spoke of how far Jake had come in the last year, etc etc Natalie looked at me and said ‘ you seem to have coped well with his transition ‘ well I nearly choked on my words ‘ it’s been difficult but what else can you do? ‘ I replied, she will never know how it’s been and hopefully she never will, I wouldn’t want any one else to witness the angst I have had to with my own child.
She said she would speak to Simon, as he hadn’t mentioned any email I had said and I agreed to speak to Jake.

I asked Jake this weekend if his dad had rang him, he immediately became defensive, ‘ no, he doesn’t care’ was his response. I chose my words carefully but told him I had spoken to Natalie and repeated what she had told me, I then just asked him to respond if his dad rang, to give him that chance again. I do hope he does, he desperately wants his dad in his life I can blatantly see it and is the only reason I’ve tried to get them together again.

The letter

I hope you take this letter with the context it is written in, it’s only to try and reunite yourself and Jake.
I’m not sure to what extent you have fallen out but I do know whatever he has said to you that he misses you, he needs your support and love, it’s all he craves.
The last 2 years have been difficult for all of us while supporting Jake and his transition, but we’ve got through it, I’m not saying it’s been an easy journey, it’s been one full of angst, heartache, fear, loss, in fact any emotion you can think of we’ve lived it. The only way we have all remained sane is to research, talk and try to understand. I’m assuming you are finding this still a difficult journey, forgive me if I’m wrong, but it’s only one you will begin to understand if you approach it head on.

At the moment Jake feels you have abandoned him, plain and simple, he would welcome you without doubt if you could reach out and try to understand. I hope you can take some time to get to know your eldest son as there is no denying that is what he is, you will discover a very articulate, happy and confident young man. He has excelled at all his as done despite living with this inner angst, he is some one to be very proud of.

In September he moved to London to a lovely apartment with Matthew, he is excelling at work and has even been offered another job within ****** if his degree program can move him. He has become more thoughtful and comfortable with in him self.
I know all he wants from you is some proof that you’re proud of him and are his dad, he’s not after financial support but emotional support.
I hope you can reach out to him and just take the time to be in his life again. It doesn’t take much, the odd text, phone call or even a visit to London to see him.
It saddens me to see how this still affects him and I’m sure you too, that is why I’m hoping you can begin to build bridges. As parents we will always have to do the donkey work where kids are concerned.

I’m hoping this helps and he doesnrt read it that I’m preaching to him, I guess I will await his response, if any.

Building bridges

Jake returned this week for a quick overnight visits he needed another jab, before he caught his train home we stopped for some lunch. The conversation once again came around to his dad, a sure sign to me this needs to be dealt with, I had previously suggested if Jake felt he couldn’t buy his father a Xmas present as he felt it was hypocritical of him, he should consider his 2 younger half siblings. I suggested he could send them a gift voucher, in that way if his dad did say anything he could explain how he felt and held no grudges against the kids, I said sometimes you have to be the better person.
Obviously he had thought about this and said he really didn’t know what to do. I repeated the advice from previously but also suggested maybe he could give his dad one more chance, look at it as a peace offering, if he continued act the way he had done then at least he would knew he had tried. I guess as well as being the eternal optimist I’m also a peacemaker. All Jake wants is his father to say ‘I’m really proud of who you are and what you have achieved’ not much to ask for surely?
With this matter discussed and the obvious pain if causes Jake , even if he states otherwise, I feel maybe I can one more time try and build that bridge between them that has slowly crumbled away. I’ve decided to write him a letter explaining how Jake feels, what his expectations are and hopefully their relationship can mend. I’m only doing this for jakes sake I know how much he misses his dad and to be honest if you had asked 5 years ago if I thought his father would abandon him, I mean let’s be honest that’s what he has done, I would have without doubt said No, proves you can never be sure you know somebody totally. I need to word it in a way that doesn’t say ‘ I’m right you are wrong‘ I just want him to read it, think about it and then decide what an arse he has been and ring Jake!
On a lighter note, another piece of the jigsaw slipped into place, whilst we were sitting in the drs car park before my appointment on Friday, Jake remarks how good the trees look, ‘really?’ I question ‘yes they would be great to climb’ I turned to look at him and said ‘ that’s a real boy thing to say!’ He laughed, I laughed. If he had wanted to climb trees when he was younger he could have but never seemed to bother but I guess he is now looking at the world through the eyes of Jake, not Jess

Reach for the stars

It’s been 3 weeks since that virus got me and although I feel fine it has left me with aching swollen knees, not acceptable when you to want to run! I rang the Dr and the earliest appointment with my Dr was 23rd dec!!!! So I told her I would possible be cured by then, it seems not to be the case as I’m back on ibuprofen to mask the pain and have an appointment on Friday with the nurse practitioner, we will see!
Jake is back for a brief overnight visit on Thursday, which will be nice to catch up. When he was home 2 weeks ago we did have a chat about how he was doing etc etc and of course the subject came around to his father. He hasn’t heard from him since the end of August when he asked him to stand guarantor for his flat and basically he refused in a roundabout way, Jake told him what he thought about him and communication between them has ceased. I had to say I had no excuses for him, I couldn’t understand his behaviour and it was up to Jake on how he was going to deal with it, either confront him and tell him what he has done and how, it’s made him feel or box it and get on with his life, but the one thing he had to understand that none of it was his fault, if his father has issues dealing with his transition that is his problem, Jake shouldn’t feel guilty. If his father actually took the time to get to know Jake again he would see a person he should be very proud of.
On Friday I had a haircut planned with a lovely friend, sally, I hadn’t told her about Jake as the times I had planned to she was surrounded by her girls and I needed time with just her, once again another friend who accepted, tried to understand and had absolutely no idea this had been going on, she asked how I had managed it without cracking up, it’s what you do I said but I guess I could become a dam could poker player! So the circle of friends that I have spoken to is increasing, all responses have been positive.
My mum regularly sends Jake a text to see how everything is going and she told me how last week Jake phoned and they had a lovely conversation for 30 mins, now this is a major turning point in my mind, Jake doesn’t do phone calls and text messages are always short and to the point but I finally think he is feeling more secure with in himself, also realising the family that have been supporting him really do mean it, the Jess we once knew is returning as Jake, with the dry sense of humour and opinions galore. I guess when you don’t really know yourself it’s hard to respond to those around you that are going through the same kind of angst.
All you can do is reach for the stars and climb every mountain 😄