It’s complicated

Jake has settled in well but I do bloody miss having him around, I think that’s part of my next struggle, I guess I just need to accept he is ok, I just wish he would always answer a text, but hey why would he change the habit of a lifetime? He hasn’t answered the one on Sunday, I’m letting it go a while longer but I will have to point out to him I still care and just because his relationship with his dad has fallen apart there is no way I’m allowing it!

My relationship with running, well what can I say, last year it was my crutch, as difficult as it was it was needed to remain sane, to carry on through the tough times, to cope. It’s been a relationship of almost 30 years, in varying degrees. At the moment I guess if it was a FB status, it would be, it’s complicated, or we are on a break!

That’s how I feel, I don’t need the time away from home to recycle my mind boxes, I have lots of time at home to do this now, I no longer feel the need to get out there to push myself, I do miss having that feeling but I’m tired, I’m sad and I feel I need to protect what ever is left that keeps me fundamentally me strong and running is draining that. I’m sure it will return, maybe not in the whole marathon way but there are other goals I wish to achieve.

This blog has helped me, I’ve met others in similar situations so I have become stronger it’s just I also feel lost, what now? I need to do something that makes a difference, I need to challenge myself maybe, I need to think about where I’m going. I just need to be me again, happy, content and ultimately have a joy of life, I’m not sure where I will find it, but I guess it’s best to just go with the flow, something will change, time heals all.

edit- as I posted this Jake text me, seems my powers of thought finally got through, he will ring me tonight, at least I know he hasn’t disappeared completely 😄

Dont just count those blessings

Don’t just count your blessings, count them, hold them and hug them tight and always remember you have them.
This is something that has been reaffirmed with me over the last weekend.
Saturday morning my FB page was showing some sad news, a client of mine who I consider a friend had revealed her brother had committed suicide, now L&J are a wonderful couple, I tell them they are the koolest people I know, completely down to earth, they have worked in some Kool jobs and meet kool people along the way ( they really are kool and not just cool!) so hearing this did tug at my heart a little, I realised how lucky I have been with Jake, I could so easily have been in this situation, then on Sunday morning my mum rang to inform me a cousin had died from a heart attack, he was only 48. I hadn’t seen him for years but in our younger years, as a family we were all very close, visiting often, it shocked me, I guess I began to question my own mortality.
Sometimes we are all to busy to pause and look at what’s really happening in our lives, it can take these kind of shocks to make us question our own lives and priorities.
This evening I saw L&J, as we spoke I knew the question of Jess and how she was doing would come up so I prepared myself for telling all and it is always a moment to me whereby you are trusting somebody to understand but also its a time whereby you feel you could be rejected, that’s why it’s always difficult to do, amid the ‘ you never expect to deal with this’ speech L said is she transgender? The concept to her wasn’t as foreign as maybe it had been to me, she said she saw how uncomfortable Jess was within herself, so we spoke, it wasn’t as difficult as it’s been in the past, I guess I’m more informed, I’m also a lot stronger than I was 6 months ago, my angst doesn’t swirl as much, life is good.
I do look back to how I was a year ago, 2 years ago and wonder how I’ve got to this point and remained sane, I’m guessing it’s my box recycling method – box it- seal it- open it- think- box it- seal it. Simple really 😄
Jake is coping at work, I think coping in general, maybe coping isn’t the word, he is excelling, I’m so proud of him.

Adjusting

I’ve been feeling sad this past week, but I think it’s a normal kind of sadness. The kind that many parents are probably feeling at the moment, parents who’s kids have left home for uni, Jake has been gone 2 weeks, nothing unusual in my world, as I’ve been used to this over the last couple of years with him living between home, uni and Matthews, but now it’s different, he has left home properly.

So I miss him, I miss the fact that at some point he will not be home, I miss not being able to judge how he is coping, I guess that worries me most, but am I basing my worries on how Jake was pre transition? Possibly, as he is more confident and assertive now.
I am trying to see this sadness as normal, it was always going to happen, that’s what you prepare your kids for.
What I won’t miss are the endless cups left around the house, plates not put into the dishwasher, crumbs on the worktop, Jeremy Kyle on the tv along with judge rinder and judge Judy, see there always is a positive to every negative 😄
Today Jake begins work, so of course I’m on tender hooks, hoping all goes ok, I told him I would call him later to catch up,
The weather is grim here today, the first rain in a long time, it’s as if someone has flicked the winter switch, I’m not liking it, I had plan to run today, up to 10 miles but one look out the window soon changed my mind, I think I’ve been cold too many times out there and today wasn’t one where I was feeling the love, so another day cooped up inside, drinking coffee and catching up on meanless chores, but sometimes theses days are good.