And then I understood

Surgery day arrived, Jake was a little apprehensive, I could tell, so I gave him a hug and said it would all be ok. We arrived at the hospital and he was checked in to his own room, our local hospital has had a new addition to it and the breast clinic is situated within it, the ward he was on was for all kind of operations but comprised of individual rooms with en-suite too, whoop whoop to the nhs! Once settled I left him in the capable hands of the nurses who were lovely and headed home.
To be honest I didn’t think about it too much, it was a day I needed to be strong. Firstly I went out and ran, 5 miles of freedom, lovely!
Around 2 pm jake text me to say he was all done and feeling ok, relief washed over me, at least he was ok, so I replied to let him know I would be up at 6 pm to visit. I did shed a tear but soon pushed them away and made myself busy.
Arrived, with Matthew to visit and we walked into an empty room, my heart sank, where was he? I asked the nurse who informed me he had returned to theatre as swelling and pain had occurred, I immediately flashed back to 18 months ago when we was in hospital having a cyst removed and had started bleeding internally, collapsing in front of me and having to watch the medical staff spring into action and take him back to theatre, I just about managed to hold back the tears, it’s ok the nurse said he’s back in recovery and will be here in a while. So we waited, a whole hour past before Jake made his return, but he was lucid and we manage to joke about his theatre encore again!
I had mixed emotions at this point, I didn’t want my child in pain, I felt guilty about what he was having to go through just to feel at ease with himself.
Then the nurse appeared to do his obs and check the drains and this is where it all began to make sense, a moment in time when you think
Yeah I really really understand now
Over the last 2 years I have been trying to understand, I have accepted and supported but understanding is maybe one thing I could never do, how could I? I had always been comfortable with my body and who I was. Maybe I thought one day Jess would make a reappearance, it’s strange what the brain suggests to you, even though I knew realistically the steps to take testosterone were the first and the effects that had had I could see daily, but my heart still wanted Jess back, even though Jess was never truly happy, I guess it was easier to deal with than what I had dealt with recently.
But as the nurse revealed his chest, with dressing I add, I was a little shocked, THEY were gone, Jake lay there with a proud look on his face, not bothering I was there, there was no covering up, feeling the need to hide his body, he displayed it for all to see, like all men do! You see it was as easy as that I finally understood. All the angst I have witnessed, his binding, years of depression and take away the boobs and finally Jake emerged, it filled my heart with pure love for him. I understood why he always was so secretive about his body, why he didn’t like a hug, he didn’t like what was there that shouldn’t be- simple
He has been recovering well, walking around topless, from his room to the bathroom. I feel at last a sense of peace, it’s really hard to explain but after the journey I have been on with Jake so far in his life, this point now seems like the beginning, a new start for him, to begin work and not feel his boobs will give him away.
So anyone thinking they too don’t understand maybe one day you,will trust me it all becomes clear.

10 thoughts on “And then I understood

  1. While not all parents reach the point where you are now, I personally think that parents have the most chance to really understand what trans individuals go through. It’s not direct but it’s as close as it can get and you seem to have “got it” now. It’s funny what a fluke of hormones may do to us in the womb, but at least now we’re finally beginning to understand it and to accommodate those who suffer that way.

  2. It’s so hard as a parent to see your child go through so much to be themselves. The surgery feels so scary but I knew for a very long time that I would never stand in the way of my son’s happiness.

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