Excuse the profanities

I had blogged this in my head whilst running earlier today and thought maybe it had got out of my system, but it hasn’t!
I’ve always said I don’t hate anybody as hate if a very strong emotion,I don’t hate him but I do despise his actions and what it’s done to Jake.
I’m not one to use vast amounts of profanities, but if this offends I suggest you look away now…

Twating excuse for a father, what an absolute cockwomble, selfish, fucking excuse for a human

Ok that’s better.
Some one mentioned how upsetting it is when you realise your child’s father obviously doesn’t love their child as much as you do, I hadn’t really thought of this before but I guess it’s true, after the utter stress I have been under theses last 2 weeks it’s made me realise what an utter arsehole he really is! The one thing he could have done, which would have also stopped the stress from all areas, was to act as a guarantor for Jake & Matthew, he was more concerned on how it would effect him, I still can’t believe he wouldn’t do it, one day he may realise what he has missed out on. So today he will be celebrating the birthday of his 2 year old daughter, I wonder if he gave a thought to Jake and how he has made him feel? I doubt it, if he has spared a thought he certainly hasn’t acted on it, what a toss pot!
I wonder how he would be coping if we were still together, would this have been the thing that put a wedge in our marriage? I can’t believe I spent 20 years with this man, I now look at him and feel absolutely nothing and I guess that’s good for me but for Jake that is another story.

A week of caffeine & rocket

Last week was tough. I mean super tough emotionally. I actually think I existed on caffeine and rocket ( yep rocket can perk up any mundane dish) there were some tense moments whilst sorting out the required paperwork for jake & Mathews flat but I think it’s all sorted now.
Jake has been at uni all week so I’ve been on the receiving end of numerous texts concerning the flat, at one point I told jake he was not ‘ managing’ a member of staff, I was more than capable of doing what was required and in fact he seem to have changed into his father! It actually upset me quite considerably to be spoken to like my ex husband did, I pointed out to jake this, it’s a trait that may work in business but not talking to your mum!
Jake has now switched to 3 monthly testosterone injections, this is so much more practical for him and he only has 1 week until top surgery. I’m already feeling apprehensive, I know it’s what he wants, I just don’t want him in any pain, it tugs at my heart and swirls my angst just thinking about it. But like all other times I will remain strong, smile, supportive and try to alleviate any worries he has.

The dog days are over

Another week passes at incredible speed making me wonder where this year has gone to, I mean the X factor starts this weekend a sure sign autumn is within our grasp!
I’ve read back over my last 18 months and realised how far I have actually come in this process, I found they evoked many feelings again and also realised I probably didn’t write some of the worst incidents, those that have been in a similar situation need not be reminded of their child telling them they wish they were dead it’s been a tough road to travel but at last the dog days are over 😄
Jake and Matthew have found a flat, after a slightly chaotic week for them and a stressful one for me hoping all was going ok, the contracts are in the process of being signed with my husband and brother standing as guarantors, and that’s what families are all about I reminded Jake, as much as he may feel some may not take him seriously, although they do and have supported him, when the going got tough they stood firm.
I also saw a 12 year old Jess peak through, or should I say the insecurities I associated with Jess emerged, it’s reminded me my child is still the same within. We were chatting about the flat when he looked a little anxious,
I asked him what was the matter,
he stated he was worried,
why I enquired,
well I’m actually leaving home properly and well what if I die?
I tried not to laugh,
Only if you forget to eat I stated!
You see the 12 year old that was always anxious and full of what if this happens made an appearance, it was Jess who of course has always been Jake.
This weekend also had us at a carboot sale, clearing out the remnants of Jess to make way for Jake and leaving home. Only in England would you arrive in a field at 6 am with a car fall of unwanted goods and unload them and wait, the things you do for your kids! Jake was happy to come away with almost £90 I’m happy he’s not leaving it all behind for the bright lights of London Town!
I’m still feeling happy, a little tired after a busy week at work whereby I had to work 5 days, back to 4 next week, I’m liking my new 4 day week.
We’ve also booked a holiday for February and this I’m really excited about, the pacific coast of Mexico to a luxurious hotel, it will be a much wanted and enjoyable holiday, this years holiday in Cuba was nice but I also took many worries with me so never really enjoyed it as much as I should have. Life is looking better and I can only reassure others that think it will never improve, it does, honest just hang on tight, take a deep breath and run with it!

Few more steps forward

This week I have found has been as equally uplifting as stressful.
A week where I have physically and mentally felt so much better, I never realized how miserable I had felt until suddenly you find yourself smiling, I mean actually smiling not the work face smile, looking forward to future events and actually sleeping well. I’m amazed what a little extra levothroxine has done!
After telling 2 old friends about Jake this week I also found myself in a position that I shared my story with a client, a client I have known for years and feel is a friend, she’s probably reading this now as I sent her a link so she could get the whole story, Sharon lives with her partner Michelle and I always knew she would accept but her response still makes me smile, cool she said, I’m proud of Jake, that was it acceptance at the simplest level. As much as I still have inner angst twirling it’s more about the dangers that Jake could come up against but I guess I would be worrying the same for Jess.
This weekend jake and Matthew have been flat hunting which has lead to the stresses I have felt. He asked if we could be a guarantor, of course I said, his dad’s response was long winded and basically he didn’t want to in case he was liable for the money. If only he had took time over the last year to get to know jake he would realise he has a confident, level headed son who has morals and standards and would never even consider deferring the payments, he really has know idea of the son he has produced. In my mind it was the one thing he could have done to show his support, it seems to jake this is the final straw in their relationship and in no uncertain terms told him exactly what he thought of him! Oh well one day he may wake up and regret his actions, he will never accept the change if he doesn’t embrace it and build on his relationship.
Jake is home tomorrow for a brief visit just for an appointment at the hospital for his pre op assessment, then hopefully the flat hunting will continue.
Fingers crossed they find something ASAP.

Let it go!

 

At last I feel I’m returning
3 weeks on a higher dose of levothroxine and it’s beginning to take effect, I’m feeling happier, less tired, I’ve started back running and the excess pounds are disappearing, it was only 7 but 7 I didn’t want!
My decision to cut down to working 4 days a week is also making me feel happier, I think I had forgotten what life really was all about if you’re not working, but maybe it helped me at the time.
Monday had me catching up with an old friend, we worked together in our 20’s and been in and out of each other’s lives since then, the kind of friendship that is always comfortable even if we haven’t spoken fir a few years. She knew I had something to tell her and as I drove over I was fairly confident how I would approach it, well my plan went out the window as soon as she asked, as I explained, fighting back the tears, I had a moment of panic as I watched her reaction, it was if she wasn’t hearing for that split second, then she sat down and said how sorry she was but at least jake was happy, as simple as that, I didn’t really doubt her support but it could be a test in a friendship, she then rang her mum to pop around who I haven’t seen for at least 10 years, she asked if I wanted her to know, of course I responded. When she arrived a quick catch up and of course she asked about Jess, I began to explain but became too emotional so my friend explained, once again I saw the shock and disbelief in her eyes, trying to comprehend what was being said, I really did think she wouldn’t understand, and them the nicest thing happened, she turned to me, took my hand, said how sorry she was but reassured me it was obviously better for Jess. I felt utter relief to have such lovely support and reactions, I guess I always doubt people will understand.
On the opposite side of understanding a ‘friend’ on FB spouted some awful words about the recent coming out of frank Malone the boxing promoter, it really made me livid suggesting transgender was a choice, was just a phase blah blah, I really don’t wish to repeat his language, which really not only shows his ignorance but also stupidity, as the following day it was all about the death of robin Williams, so of course he was supporting depression etc, I commented on how his status was laughable due to what he had previously written, I basically said how it wasn’t a choice, suicide was higher in this minority group, and as humans we should show empathy and understanding, as we had moved a long way in the last century and only through education could we begin to understand, he didn’t understand what I had written and spouted more vile comments, I refrained from answering, I can only hope some one else reading his status may understand and then at least I would have changed someone’s opinion. Of course I could have just ignored it but I figured someone has to speak out to change the world! The laughable fact about this guys girlfriends sister is actually MTF transgender do that was why I really couldn’t understand his rant.
Feeling so much more positive I also told another friend who no longer lives in the area, she answered in a positive way, I guess it may take time to digest. It’s harder to judge over the internet on their reaction.
So how is jake?
Jake is going from strength to strength, he has his top surgery booked in less than a month and begins work in 2 months, his confidence has grown so much. We did have a conversation recently, when he was worrying about money over the first few months of leaving home, I reassured him we were here to help, that families supported one another and even though he is so like me in being independent, he really needed to share his worries, he smiled and seemed happier. I guess sometimes we all forget to tell our families how important they are to us.