Stages

The next appointment at the gender clinic, breast reduction was spoken about, Mr T supported it but Jake would need a second opinion so an appointment was arranged to see a colleague at the hospital. Jake wanted the surgery as soon as possible, I know he needs it but as a mother I will still worry and obviously don’t want him to be in any physical pain, it’s a mom thing!
With each appointment it brings more thinking for me, the latest thought process has been one of inner angst, tears and turmoil and has I think begun the final stage of my grief.
They say grief comes in stages 5, 7 or more and this past year I have been through the lot.
Stage 1
Shock & denial
Oh boy was it a shock to me, I had had some worries over the years but actually thought it was just a phase, I guess this disbelief would protect me from the shock I was feeling and protected me from being overwhelmed.
Stage 2
Pain & guilt
So I then realised this was here to stay, I had to take charge and deal with it, so on the outside I was my normal functioning happy self, I hid behind my smile, became wrapped up in work, as these people knew nothing of what was going on, I could completely deny the situation, I have defiantly retracted from friends as I felt they would see beyond the smile, it is something I will need to rectify and I hope once they know the reasons they can understand my behaviour, the shock was subsiding to be replaced by utter guilt, what had I done wrong? Could I have done anything to help earlier? If only I could had, All those questions went around my head, my sensible side knew it wasn’t my fault but my heart felt different, the pain has been overwhelming at times and I guess still is, I would worry about so many things most parents wouldn’t even need to think about. I still feel as if pain will always be there but as they say time heals.
Stage 3
Anger & bargaining
I can’t say I’ve felt anger, it’s not in my make up, maybe my anger has been in my short temper to some at times but I have bargained, I guess a lot of anger was dissipated within my running, I used it to push myself, to expel those feelings that were churning within.
I questioned why I had to deal with it, could I do anything to change this point in my life, of course I knew this was ridiculous, it was a time I had to be strong, to support and encourage but most of all to show love.
Stage4
Depression, reflection loneliness
This has been a long phase, I’ve had to deal with what I thought I had, what I thought I would have had and then replace it with this is how it will be, my isolation from others has escalated, I don’t talk about it with any one apart from a few friends, who have given me an outlet to do that, maybe the ones that know think I’m dealing with it and I’m feeling more positive, maybe I am, my heart still has a void , a sense of emptiness, but I try to focus on the positive points of my life. It’s been difficult this last month due to lack of exercise, from injury and illness, I have felt like the one thing that has kept me normal has been taken away, as if someone is having a game with me, saying ha ha you thought you were doing ok, so lets take something from you that is fundamentally you and see how you cope! And guess what ? I have, it’s been tough but I think it’s led me to the next stage
Stage5
The upward turn
I’m adjusting, I’m not just acknowledging I’m accepting. I have read, researched and even though I’m dealing with something that’s not ‘ the norm’ I’m not the only one, I’m beginning to enjoy little things again.
Stage 6
Reconstruction & working through
In a better frame of mind I have been able to help and offer practical advice, to give more support , to be strong.
Stage 7
Acceptance & hope
So I realised today how I had accepted and not just acknowledged, doesn’t make me incredibly happy but it’s helping. I know I will never be the same person again, but I think even if I go through life with that little piece of my heart missing, it has made me a better person, someone who truly can accept anything and anyone, I can offer help and reassurance to others. I’m sure one day I will see what I have gained and this will make me smile and the love from that will fill that little hole in